We’ve seen signs of the apocalypse before, but this new death wave is getting out of hand. This past 2011 transition week saw thousands upon thousands of carcasses falling from the sky and washing up ashore. The mystery is being blamed on weather, disease, fireworks, and blunt objects, but anyway you cut it, birds and fish croaking en masse reek of a looming rapture. Just kidding. Not really.
NOTE: It’s far easier to blame the phenomenon on the end of days than, oh, say … climate change or man-made environmental catastrophes. Now back to your regularly scheduled, accountability-shirking programming.

Is The The Apocalypse Already Upon Us?

Here’s the shortlist of recent signs that Armageddon is upon us:

  1. December 30: A tugboat operator comes across some of the 100,000 drum fish that popped to the surface of the Arkansas River. Experts insist that evidence points away from pollutants as the cause.
  2. December 25: Dead velvet crabs begin washing ashore in England, totaling some 25,000 crabs in the past few days. A similar event happened last year with 40,000 crab corpses. Cold water temps are thought to be at fault.
  3. December 31: Four thousand red-winged blackbirds fall from the sky in Beebe, Arkansas. Some researchers blame lightening, other skeptics suspect government testing.
  4. January 1: Over 100 tons of dead sardines show up on coastlines in Brazil. Cause, of course, unknown.
  5. January 4: Reports start pouring in of 500 more dead red-winged blackbirds and starlings in Louisiana. Some experts are guessing blood clots are to blame.
  6. January 4: News out of New Zealand discloses hundreds of dead snapper. The fish are deemed “unsafe to eat.” Thanks for that.
  7. January 4: Thousands of dead fish stink up Volusia County, Florida. Cold snaps are said to be at fault.
  8. January 5: Reports start surfacing about what ultimately turn out to be 100 dead jackdaws (birds) in the streets of Sweden. Researchers claim to have found the cause: death by bludgeoning at the hands of a blunt object.
  9. January 5: Two hundred dead American coots (also birds) line a highway in Texas. The suspected cause of death? Coincidentally being hit by fast moving cars.
  10. January 6: Hundreds of dead grackles (yes, birds) discovered roadside in Tennessee. Carcasses were too deteriorated to test for the cause of death.
  11. January 6: Approximately 2 million juvenile spot fish drop dead in the Chesapeake Bay in Maryland. Scientists suspect that the fish succumbed to “cold water stress” and/or disease.
  12. January 6: Thousands of dead turtle doves found tangled in trees in Italy. Their beaks have a mysterious blue stain. Cause: unknown
  13. January 8: Frogs start falling from the sky, fire erupts from the earth, humans are consumed by angry clouds.

Things Are Getting Weird

OK, maybe January 8th is yet to be seen — but this has moved from weird to eerie. Experts want to hold their illogical ground in claiming that these deaths are all unrelated. Quel coincidence!

Apocalypse Now? Yeesh. You’d better stock up on survival-related paraphernalia before it’s gone.