In the 1980s and 1990s, David Hasselhoff was a superstar — just not in America. While Baywatch made him a household name and Knight Rider cemented his status as a TV icon, his music career remained bafflingly underappreciated in the U.S. Meanwhile, in Germany, he was selling millions of albums, topping charts, and even performing at the fall of the Berlin Wall. So why didn’t America embrace The Hoff’s musical talents? In an attempt to solve this great cultural mystery, here’s a playbook to help Hasselhoff finally conquer the U.S. charts.
AN OPEN LETTER TO DAVID HASSELHOFF: THE WORLD COULD BE YOUR OYSTER (BUT RIGHT NOW, IT’S A FISH STICK)
Dear Mr. Hasselhoff,
Surely you, too, have pondered the great cosmic injustice of your musical career. In Germany, you’re a pop god—part Elvis, part Zeus, part guy-who-owns-too-many-leather-jackets. But here in the U.S., your albums are mostly used as drink coasters at frat parties. Meanwhile, John Tesh—who looks like he was genetically engineered to play yacht rock at country clubs—somehow goes gold.

But take heart, Hoff! With the release of your latest U.S. album, “Watch Out for Hasselhoff“, we see a golden opportunity (or at least a slightly tarnished bronze one). To help you finally conquer America the way you conquered the Berlin Wall (and by “conquer,” we mean “stood on top of it while singing about freedom”), we humbly offer the following career-enhancing tips:
- Leverage your assets. Slap ex-Baywatch co-star Pamela Anderson on the CD cover—preferably in slow motion—and watch album sales rise faster than the stock market before the dot-com crash.
- Make them respect your art. Casually mention that you’ve sold over 4 million albums in Germany. Do not mention that you’re also huge in Latvia, where “David Hasselhoff Night” is a national holiday.
- Boost your acting cred. Remind critics that you’ve starred alongside legendary actor Christopher Plummer. Do not remind them that the film was Starcrash, a sci-fi epic that makes Plan 9 from Outer Space look like Citizen Kane.
- Fake it till you make it. Announce a much-hyped duet with Alanis Morissette, then dramatically cancel it at the last minute. People will assume it’s because she wasn’t vocally up to your level.
- Upgrade the wardrobe. When performing live, swap the Speedo for a bedazzled codpiece. (It worked for Cameo—word up!)
- Get with the times. Hire Spike Jonze to direct your first MTV video. Make sure it includes ironic rollerblading, a luchador, and a live otter playing the keytar.
- Choose covers wisely. Record “My Beach” by the Surf Punks, but never cover anything by the Beach Boys. (We present three cautionary words: David. Lee. Roth.)
- Embrace the cheese. You, sir, are the Captain of Camp, the Sultan of Saxony Synth-Pop, the High Priest of Handsome Hamminess. Own it. As Tom Jones will tell you, one man’s cheese is another’s five-star fondue.
With these minor adjustments, America will finally recognize your true greatness, and your albums will be sold in record stores instead of gas stations. Until then, keep doing what you do best: running in slow motion and making Germany proud.
Sincerely,
Your Devoted (and Concerned) Fans

Frank Wilson is a retired teacher with over 30 years of combined experience in the education, small business technology, and real estate business. He now blogs as a hobby and spends most days tinkering with old computers. Wilson is passionate about tech, enjoys fishing, and loves drinking beer.