Think you’re pretty badass? Have you ever driven through a barrage of beer bottles and scared away the local drunks with a roof mounted blowtorch?
Way back in 2007, we interviewed a company called NAO Design about a product they were selling on Amazon.com called the a JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser Tank. “The Donk,” as it’s affectionately called, is a personal mini tank with lots of fun optional features including party lights, a PA system and yes, a roof mounted blowtorch. Although we never actually got to see the Donk in person, NAO Design sent us plenty of pictures that we used in our review here on MethodShop.com. FOX News even mentioned our review and crashed our server with a traffic surge.
While a steel covered mini tank with a blowtorch may not be ideal for running errands around town, it does make one badass recreational vehicle. One of MethodShop.com‘s readers, Bill Purkayastha in Shillong, India sent us a first-hand account of his Donk experiences. It’s slightly satirical, so don’t get too upset when he talks about running over the local drinks in his town. Enjoy!
First, of course, is the wonderful steel armor plating, with its aesthetic rust patina, so well-suited for camouflaging specks of blood from the people I crush under my wheels during my righteous swathes of destruction. Do not believe the reports that I am an evil megalomaniac; that is just the envy of fifth-columnists and collaborators. I am a benevolent despot; the Dictator of the Universe, and anyone who doesn’t bow before me deserves whatever I…
Where was I? Oh yes.
Now, as I was saying, the steel armor plating is wonderful, a real life saver. Why, only yesterday some terrorist bastard attempted to assassinate me by flinging a beer bottle at my tank, and the missile left not a scratch on the surface! You should have seen the terrorist’s face when I turned the tank and attempted to run him down. It’s not the Badonkadonk’s fault that he was lurching drunkenly all over the street and that I missed him by only… let’s see… two meters. That’s how close I came to exterminating a terrorist and winning a significant victory in the Global War Of Terror!
Not that the evildoer got away with it, of course; I used the wonderful 400 watt premium sound system with PA to curse him out so thoroughly I think I saw him pee his pants. Or that might have been the beer.
Anyway, I’m upgrading the vehicle immediately with remote-controlled 20mm quick-firing cannon turrets fore and aft, and then, evildoers, BRING IT ON!!!
Then, there’s that wonderful, wonderful control column that you can pop up so you can stand up with your head out on top and steer if you want, so much better than a mere, boring steering wheel. I would however recommend that if you’re in training to become a dictator, even if only a mere Global one in a subordinate position to Me, as that is the highest to which you can aspire, you wear a Darth Vader steel helmet. Kids with catapults, you know.
One thing about the control column: I found one of my female underlings inside the tank with the engine running, apparently riding that column. I think she was in considerable pain because when I saw her, her face was twisted and she was gasping. When I switched off the engine and pulled her off the column she quickly recovered, but went red and began stammering. Therefore, I suggest, if you are a woman, that you stay away from the column except while driving it; it may cause you pain and speech difficulties. The company should have posted a warning about it, but has not. I shall inform them of it.
Oh yes, I forgot the one big drawback. I strongly feel the vehicle needs an attachment for a bulldozer blade to be fitted to the prow, so that any driver can clear the debris of his victims out of the way as he smashes a path through all obstacles, such as traffic jams, police barricades, or rubbernecking crowds, while playing demolition derby music at top volume on the PA. I demand that the company immediately fix such a system on my JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser Tank, gratis. Or else. Or else what? Or else, my Badonkadonk and I shall pay them a visit. And, once that blade is fitted, I may pay you one too.
Tremble in your shoes!
Thanks Bill for sharing this with us! We might have to take a field trip to Meghalaya, India one of these days and take a ride in your Donk. You can read our full review on the Donk here: