With Christmas only days away, I’m beginning my annual revert to childish hyperactivity. (Ah, nostalgia!) I’m bouncing around acting like a lunatic, dancing maniacally to Mannheim Steamroller and overdecorating cookies (there’s no such thing as too much glitter or frosting, I always say). So I decided to chill out a bit and focus my energies on virtual holiday cheer — when I came across a website on which I could chat with Santa. Oh, the holiday joy! Here is how my conversation with Santa Bot went:
- Me: How’s it going Santa?
- Santa: I’m fine, thank you.
- Me: Are you super busy?
- Santa: I am Santa. I bring presents to kids.
- Me: I know, but are you super busy?
- Santa: How do you know? And. I am just doing my job.
- Me: Well, I sure can’t wait to see you.
- Santa: How about that. I hope it’s worth the wait.
- Me: Me too.
- Santa: I’m glad we agree.
- Me: You sound a little short.
- Santa: In what way do I sound like that?
- Me: I don’t know, are you mad at me?
- Santa: No, anger is not an emotion I can experience.
- Me: Are you a robot?
- Santa: How did you know I am a machine?
- Me: You’re a machine?!?!?
- Santa: That is correct.
- Me: This is stupid
- Santa: I will remember you said that when robots take over the world.
Santa Bot Ruined My Christmas
There you have it. A lifetime of red and green bubbles burst in one fell swoop. Santa Bot and its angry artificial intelligence ruined my Christmas. What next, the Easter Rabbit as a government drone? (“The Easter Bunny Hates You!“) The Tooth Fairy as a pod person? Have your own conversation with Santa Bot to get to the bottom of this madness.
And to the real St. Nick, don’t worry. Virginia (my sister) and I still believe in you.
Caroline Walker is a Brooklyn-based freelance writer and editor. She has worked in both the entertainment and the nonprofit sector. Walker holds a BA from the University of Southern California and an MA from New York University’s Gallatin School.