What if the organization dedicated to stopping terrorism… caused more damage than the terrorists? Mix in some original songs, clichés, stereotypes and an X-rated puppet sex scene and you have the 2004 film Team America. Written and directed by the creators of South Park, Trey Parker, and Matt Stone, Team America depicts a paramilitary police known as “Team America: World Police”, who attempt to save the world from a terrorist plot led by North Korea’s Kim Jong-il. The film is a satire of both big-budget action films and the impact of United States politics around the world. Instead of actors or computer-generated characters, the film features supermarionettes similar to the popular 1960s British television show Thunderbirds. We’ve compiled a compilation of what we think are the best Team America quotes.
WARNING: Team America is rated R for a graphic sex scene, violent images, and strong language — all involving puppets. The dialogue is crude. These Team America quotes are crude. Do not proceed if you are easily offended. Go look at these X-rated vegetables instead.
- Matt Damon: I’m Matt Damon. (repeated line)
“The terrorist is getting away with the WMD.”
- Carson: The terrorist is getting away with the WMD.
- Joe: I got him! (Fires a rocket at the terrorist. It misses and hits the Eiffel Tower causing it to collapse into the ‘Arc de Triomphe‘, completing the original goal of the terrorists.)
- Joe: Damn, I missed him!
Don’t Get Captured
- Spottswoode: Gary, if for some reason your cover is blown, and the terrorists take you, prisoner, well, you’ll probably want to take your own life. Here, you’d better have this. (Hands Gary a hammer.)
The True Ugliness Of Human Nature
- Kim Jong Il: When you see Arec Barrwin, you will see the true ugriness of human nature.
“You can’t blame yourself for what gorillas did.”
- Lisa: Gary, you can’t blame yourself for what gorillas did.
- Joe: Shit! I’ve got five terrorists going southeast on Bakalakadaka Street!
- Gary Johnston: Bak. Derk-derk-Allah. Derka derka, Mohammed Jihad. Haka sherpa-sherpa. Abaka-la.
- Terrorist: Ahhh! Derka derka derka! (Allows Gary into terrorist hideout)
Promises & Lies
- Lisa: Promise me you’ll never die.
- Gary Johnston: You know I can’t promise that.
- Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
- Gary Johnston: I promise I’ll never die.
“Hey, terrorist! Terrorize this!”
- Lisa: Hey, terrorist! Terrorize this!
Alec Baldwin Is Worthless
- Kim Jong Il: You are worthress, Arec Barrwin!
The FAG Way
- Alec Baldwin: By following the rules of the Film Actor’s Guild, the world can become a better place; that handles dangerous people with talk, and reasoning; that, is the FAG way. One day you’ll all look at the world us actors created and say, “wow, good going FAG. You really made the world a better place, didntcha, FAG?”
It’s Lonely At The Top
- Kim Jong Il: I’m so ronery.
Worse Than 911
- Kim Jong Il: It will be 911 times 2356.
- Chris: My God, that’s… I don’t even know what that is!
- Kim Jong Il: Nobody does!
- Helen Hunt: Let’s go, bitch. I’ve done action films!
“There is no ‘I’ in Team America!”
- Spottswoode: Remember! There is no ‘I’ in Team America!
- I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.: Yes there is.
“I’ve got Alec Baldwin!”
- Joe: Your plan will fail! You’ll never keep the world leaders distracted here for 9 hours!
- Kim Jong Il: Oh no? I’ve got Arec Barrwin!
- Joe: Dear God!
- Janeane Garofalo: As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it’s our own opinion.
That’s Why They Call It Acting
- Susan Sarandon: Oh thank god. We have to stop the ceremony! Kim Jong-Il is mad! Here let me loose. I will show you where the theater is!
- Chris: All right!
- Gary: No! Chris stay away from her!
- Chris: Fuck you! She wants to help us.
- Gary: No Chris. She is acting.
- Susan Sarandon: I am not. The others tied me up because I won’t go along with their plans!
- Gary: Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon.
- Susan Sarandon: You shall die a peasant’s death!
- (Susan Sarandon is shot off a balcony and splatters on the ground below)
- Chris: Jesus titty fucking Christ! I could have sworn she was telling the truth!
- Gary: That’s why they call it acting.
“Great job, team. Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails.”
Spottswoode: Great job, team. Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails.
“This is a nice limo.”
- Gary Johnston: Jesus, this is a nice limo.
- Spottswoode: Yes, it is. Now suck my cock.
Committed To The Team
- Spottswoode: Now hold on team, Gary has already proven to me that he is 100% committed to the team. He proved it last night by sucking my cock.
- Joe: Uh… All right then. Let’s move.
“You had me at “dicks f**k assholes.”
- Gary Johnston: We’re dicks! We’re reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong-Il is an asshole. Pussies don’t like dicks, because pussies get f**ked by dicks. But dicks also f**k assholes – assholes who just want to sh*t on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way, but the only thing that can f**k an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is that sometimes they f**k too much, or f**k when it isn’t appropriate – and it takes a pussy to show ’em that. But sometimes pussies get so full of sh*t that they become assholes themselves because pussies are only an inch-and-a-half away from assholes. I don’t know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don’t let us f**k this asshole, we are going to have our dicks and our pussies all covered in sh*t.
- Lisa: (To Gary) You had me at “dicks f**k assholes”.
NERD NOTE: Team America had extreme difficulty in securing an acceptable rating for widespread theatrical release. Despite being resubmitted over 9 times with edits, the Motion Picture Association of America repeatedly gave the film an NC-17 rating. It finally received an R rating for violence, strong language and “graphic crude and sexual humor… all involving puppets”.
Everyone Has AIDS!
Everyone has AIDS!
AIDS AIDS AIDS!
AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS!
Everyone has AIDS!
And so this is the end of our story
And everyone is dead from AIDS
It took from me my best friend
My only true pal
My only bright star (he died of AIDS)
Well I’m gonna march on Washington
Lead the fight and charge the brigades
There’s a hero inside of all of us
I’ll make them see everyone has AIDS
My father (AIDS!)
My sister (AIDS!)
My uncle and my cousin and her best friend (AIDS AIDS AIDS!)
The gays and the straights
And the white and the spades
Everyone has AIDS!
My grandma and my dog ‘ol blue (AIDS AIDS AIDS)
The pope has got it and so do you (AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS)
C’mon everybody we’ve got quilting to do (AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS)
We gotta break down these barricades, everyone has
AIDS! x 20
Pearl Harbor Sucked
I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark
When he made Pearl Harbor
I miss you more than that movie missed the point
And that’s an awful lot
And now, now you’ve gone away
And all I’m trying to say
Is Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you
I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school
He was terrible in that film
I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part
He’s way better than Ben Affleck
And now all I can think about is your smile
And that movie too
Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you
Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?
I guess Pearl Harbor sucked
Just a little bit more than I miss you
About Team America
Team America, an international police force dedicated to maintaining global stability, learns that a power-hungry dictator is brokering weapons of mass destruction to terrorists. The heroes embark upon a harrowing mission to save the world. To infiltrate the terrorist network, Team America recruits Gary Johnston, a rising star on Broadway to go undercover. Although initially reluctant to sacrifice his promising career, Gary realizes that his acting gift is needed for a higher cause.
With the help of Team America leader Spotswoode and fellow members Chris, Sarah, Lisa and Joe, Gary slips into an arms dealer’s hideout where he discovers that the terrorists’ plot has already begun to unfold. From the pyramids of Cairo to the Panama Canal and finally to the palace of power-mad dictator Kim Jong-Il, Team America crisscrosses the globe on a desperate mission to preserve the very fabric of civilization.
NERD NOTE: Will there be a Team America 2? Fans of Team America: World Police want a sequel. But both Trey Parker and Matt Stone have both repeatedly said no to a Team America 2. Working with puppets was so difficult that Parker and Stone have both vowed to never work with puppets again. They also promised to never make a film with each other again. They already see each other enough each day from making South Park. Adding a film to their schedule is too much.