Total Eclipse of the Heart: Literal Version Video

If you’re too young to remember the debut of MTV, then you missed out on the awkward era of music videos. Back in the 1980s, they were super cheesy and often “experimental.”

How experimental? Have you seen the video for “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler? If not, we have 4 words for you: dancing open shirt ninjas.

There’s also lots of 1980s music video staples like blowing sheets and empty houses. And some very creepy choir boys with glowing devil eyes.

Here’s the literal version of the infamous music video. Enjoy!

Here are the lyrics:

(Pan the room)
Random use of candles, empty bottles, and cloth
and can you see me through this fan?
(Slo-mo dove)
Creepy doll, a window, and what looks like a bathrobe
Then, a dim-lit shot of dangling balls.
(Metaphor?)
Close-up of some candles and dramatically posing
Then stock footage of a moon in the sky
(Bottle shot)
Messing up my close-up of with a floating blue curtain
Now let’s see who’s coming in from outside
(Double doors open)
Why aren’t I reacting in this shot?
(Ringo Starr? Lined eyes!)
Guess I should be acting but I”m not
(Door’s ajar)
Wander through a hall with doors that magically open
and this classroom has a fan.
(Open shirts)
Now it’s getting creepy
You can tell by my staring
It’s a long time since I’ve been with a man.
(Stupid chair)
Emo Kid is throwing Slo-Mo Dove at my face.
I guess that means he just flipped me the bird.
(Locker room)
Staring at the swim team gets you killed by a gang
of dancing ninja men who know how to twirl.
(Spin around. Ninjas!)
Then a bunch of preppies make a toast
(Drinking wine, Douchebags!)
Most of it just ends up on the floor
And they shouldn’t fence at night,
Or they’re going to hurt the gymnasts.
Why do they play football inside?
Here’s another shot of fencing
And I’ve mostly been lit from behind
Watch these shadows run off
I walk onto a terrace where I think I’m alone
But Arthur Fonzarelli’s got an army of clones
(Fonzi’s been cloned!)
They do the Macarena
But I’m still not impressed
They beg for me to dance with them
but not in this dress!
I’ll pose like Rocky tonight!
I’m running up a bunch of stairs
(Strip football and surprise mirror!)
Here’s where I pretend to be Eva Peron.
Look at me, I’m lifting my arms
There’s nothing else to shot,
so just zoom the camera under this arch
Leaning on myself because there’s two of me here.
But now there’s only one in this shot
I pull my feathered hair
whenever I see floating cloth

[Spoken]
Woman: Ooh, ooh, oooooh, I’ve gotta use the bathroom but the door’s locked! Can you help me?
Man: I’ll open the door for you. *grunts*
Woman: Oh thank you sir, how can I ever repay you?
Man: How about a towel?
Group: Hey guys check this out! Whoa. Hey don’t do that dude! Come on! Wait, it’s supposed to take the cloth & leave everything else on the table! I don’t know what happened. Not like that, it’s the other way! Yeah, pull it like that! No, Stop! You’re making it worse!
Man with accent: Alright which of you preppies put gold dust in my fencing mask?
Woman: Hey this isn’t the ladies room!!

[Sung]
(Blind possessed choir boys.)
Get out of my way, I’ve gotta pee
(Zombie cult?)
Never mind. I just went on the floor!
Now I need to find a mop!
Emo Kid wears too much make-up.
Now watch a bunch of half-naked guys
(Hairless chests.)
As they dance around in diapers
And I’ve joined the Glee Club of the Damned.
(Reference joke!)
Look the fog machine’s on!
What kind of private school would let in these kind of guys?
It started out as Hogwarts, now it’s Lord of the Flies!
(I hated that book)
I’m swaying side to side, these dancers need to stop
The gayest man on earth would call this over the top!
I whip my head to the right,
I’ll never go to church again.
I think I lost a contact lens.
When did spazzing out qualify as a dance?
Kneeling like I want to throw up.
What the effing crap?
That angel guy just felt me up!
Here’s a line of guys. I was wearing a dress,
But now they’ve got me wearing a suit
One kid’s running late,
I think he’s too young for this school.
I’m totally shaking his hand
(Mullet with headlights?)
(Over-surprised guy. Weirded ouuuut. oooohh!)