Table of Contents[Hide][Show]
- Funny Mom Sex Jokes
- Funny Mom Jokes About Alcohol
- Funny Mom Jokes About Technology
- Funny Mom Jokes About Food
- Funny Jokes About Motherhood Superpowers
- Funny Mom Jokes About Money
- Funny Mom Jokes About Authority
- Kids Are Stupid Jokes… For Mom
- Funny Mother’s Day Jokes
- Funny Mom Jokes That Will Make Mom Mad
- New Mom & Funny Baby Jokes For Mom
- Funny Mom Jokes About Parenting & Motherhood
- Mom Jokes That Are Really Dad Jokes
- Funny Mom Puns & Mom Jokes For Kids
- You Know You’re A Mom When…
What’s a job that doesn’t require any experience, doesn’t have a salary and never gives you a day off? Motherhood! Here are some funny dirty Mom jokes and one liners will have everyone (including Mom) laughing out loud.
Funny Mom Sex Jokes
- As a young woman, I used to think of myself as a cute little snack. But now that I’m a Mom, I’m a Happy Meal. I come with toys and kids.
- Daughter: “Mom, I need my personal space!”
Mom: “You came out of my personal space.”
- Son: Mom, you are in my personal space.
Mom: You came out of my personal space.
- What sexual position makes the ugliest babies?
Ask your Mom.
- Daughter: Mom, I have a new boyfriend, our neighbor Joe.
Mom: But he could be your father!
Daughter: Age is not that important to me.
Mom: That’s not what I was talking about.
- A girl says to her Mom, “I want a Barbie and a GI Joe”.
Mom says, “Doesn’t Barbie come with Ken?”
And the girl replies, “No, Barbie comes with GI Joe. She just fakes it with Ken.”
- 5 year old son after reading a story of a king…
Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe me, one will cook and one will sing.
Mom: Which one will put you to sleep?
Son: No Mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom’s eyes filled up with tears… God bless you son!
Mom: Who will the 3 wives sleep with?
Son: Let them sleep with Daddy.
Dad: (eyes filled with tears) God bless you son!
- My favorite sex position is called “WOW”…
It’s when Mom completely flips over.
- Little brother came into the kitchen and declares “Mom, now I know why girls don’t have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow.”
- Q: What does your mum and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A: They’ve both swallowed a lot of seamen.
- This was supposedly Robin Williams‘ Favorite Joke…
Guy’s having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ”Well, I’d better talk to Timmy.”
He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy’s room. He opens the door , and there’s Timmy having sex with Grandma. The father goes ”Oh, my God! What are you doing?” And the kid goes, ”Not so funny when it’s your Mom… is it?”
- Q: What does one boob say to the other boob?
A: If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.
- A little boy caught his Mom riding his Dad.
The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?
She said, Son, your Daddy’s stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.
He said, Aww Momma you’re wasting your time because when you’re not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!
- One day, the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one’s mouth.
Little Johnny says, “It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one’s mouth.”
The teacher says, “That is correct, but why?”
Little Johnny answers, “I don’t know, but my Mom always tells my Dad: ‘Turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!'”
- Q: How did you quit smoking after you baby was born?
A: I decided to smoke only after sex.
- Two boys are in the woods. They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. “Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!” Then the other kid said “Well, my Mom said if I ever see a naked girl before I’m married, I’ll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!”
Funny Mom Jokes About Alcohol
- Motherhood has shown me that you don’t need fun to have alcohol.
- “It’d be cool if my kids could make something I actually want, like a bottle of wine, out of macaroni and glue.” — Stephanie McMaster
- “(Kids) are challenging. Wine is necessary. They’re great though.” — Kelly Clarkson
- Mom Fact: If you combine wine and dinner, then the new word is winner.
- Swing sets are an opportunity to sit on the patio and drink wine in peace.
- I have got 99 problems, but I am having some wine and ignoring them until my kids call me.
- “Children are like crazy, drunken small people in your house.” — Julie Bowen
Funny Mom Jokes About Technology
- My kids can never make fun of me for teaching me how to use my phone. I taught them how to use a spoon.
- Why is a computer so smart?
Because it listens to its motherboard.
- What did Mommy spider say to baby spider?
“You spend too much time on the web.”
- Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his Mom?
Because she left the phone off the hook.
- Mom Problems: I just spent 15 minutes trying to find my phone in the car while using my phone as a flashlight.
- I’d love to be a Pinterest Mom, but it turns out I’m more of an Amazon Prime Mom.
- The fastest way to spread news isn’t on the Internet. It’s by telling your Mom.
Funny Mom Jokes About Food
- Licked a dark smear off my finger, and then thought, “Phew it’s chocolate.”
- May your coffee be stronger than your toddler.
- Caffeine is the foundation of my food pyramid… since I became a Mom.
- My mourning routine would be so much easier if these kids would just serve me coffee and ibuprofen in bed.
- Mom’s recipe for iced coffee: Have kids. Make coffee. Forget you made coffee. Put it in the microwave. Forget you put it in the microwave. Drink it cold.
- “It’s spicy” is the universal Mom code word for “I don’t want to share.”
- Good Moms let their kids lick the beaters. Great Moms turn them off first.
- “After a long day, my favorite thing is to think of something for dinner that everyone will eat.” — No mother, ever
- I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for opening her granola bar from the top instead of the bottom. I don’t know what I was thinking.
- I hate when I’m waiting for Mom to cook dinner… and then I remember I am the Mom, and I have to cook dinner.
- Can’t believe I shared my body with a child that won’t even share an M&M.
- Kid: “What’s for dinner?”
Kid: “What kind?”
Mom: “The kind you eat”
- Finally my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls.
- “It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” — Carrie Underwood
- Priest: Tell me, young lady. Do you say prayers before dinner?
Jenny: No, Father, I don’t have to. My Mom’s a good cook.
- What did the Mama tomato say to the baby tomato?
- Mom, I donut know what I’d do without you.
- Why don’t mothers wear watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.
- There are two amounts of pasta Moms are good at cooking: Not enough and enough for 3,000 people.
- I love my kids, but not enough to flip the fish sticks halfway through cooking.
- Why did the baby strawberry cry?
Because his Mom was in a jam!
- Who’s there? Omelet. Omelet who? Omelet Mommy sleep in today.
- My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?
- You know you’re a Mom when you understand why Mama Bear’s porridge was too cold.
- Mom: “Come down for dinner!”
Kid: “I’m busy, mooooom!”
Mom: “Right now before it gets cold!” (runs down the stairs)
Kid: “Where’s the food?”
Mom: “It’ll be ready in five minutes.”
- Eight-year-old: “I’m hungry”
Mom: “Have some fruit” Eight-year-old: “I don’t want fruit.” Mom: “Then you’re not hungry.”
- “The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” — Calvin Trillin
Funny Jokes About Motherhood Superpowers
Motherhood is like having superpowers! You can do things like juggle a million tasks at once, know when your kids are lying without them saying a word, and have the superhuman strength to carry a toddler and a grocery bag in each hand. Plus, you can make a meal out of whatever random ingredients you find in the pantry. But that’s not all! Here are some funny Mom jokes about motherhood superpowers.
- When did you know you were a mother?
When I realized 90 percent of my day was locating someone else’s lost crap.
- Nothing is truly lost until Mom can’t find it.
- Showering as a Mom should be an Olympic sport: Everyone’s yelling your name, you have to beat the clock, and you rarely win a medal.
- Motherhood: shower, hair and make-up in less than 5 minutes.
- Mom Sleep: The state of rest where your eyes are closed but you can still hear everything your kids are doing.
- Mom: The amazing ability to hear a sneeze through closed doors, in the middle of the night, three bedrooms away — while Daddy snores next to you.
- What’s the difference between Superman and mothers? Superman is a superhero when he has to be. Moms are superheroes all the time.
- Never doubt a mother! She can carry a screaming toddler, two gallons of milk, talk on her cell phone, and still shoot you daggers for looking at her crazy.
- Why do Mothers have to have two visits to the optometrist? Because they also have eyes in the back of their head.
- “Hmm, I’m the first one awake in the whole house. Think I’ll play this kazoo, it just feels right.” — @simoncholland
- Silence is golden. Unless you have kids, then silence is suspicious.
- My Mom superpower is being the only person in the house who can see an empty toilet paper roll.
- Have you heard the urban legend about what happens when you scream “Mom” three times in the shower? A nice lady appears with the towel you forgot.
Funny Mom Jokes About Money
Moms have a knack for saving a few extra bucks – coupons, clearance racks, car negotiations – they’ve got it all! Need financial advice? Ask Mom – she’s sure to have the answers! Just don’t ask her for a loan.
- Kid: “Mom, can I get $20?”
Mom: “Does it look like I’m made of money?”
Kid: “Well, isn’t that what M.O.M stands for?”
- “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller
- “I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for six to eight more weeks.” — Petite Bello
- “I found $20 in the dryer and promptly made a money laundering joke and I don’t care if my family doesn’t think I’m hilarious because I think I’m hilarious.” — @thepursuinglife
- Pointed look from Mom: “Give you money? Oh, honey, I already gave you life.”
Funny Mom Jokes About Authority
- Being a mother of a teenager is finally understanding why some animals eat thier young.
- What’s the fastest land mammal? A toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
- Is it yelling? Or just very enthusiastic motivational speaking?
- I asked a police recruit during an exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He said, “Call for backup.”
- Science teacher: “When is the boiling point reached?”
Student: “When my mother sees my report card!”
- “Humpty, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No!” — Humpty Dumpty’s mother
- “As a Mom, I’m constantly worried about the safety of my children. Like especially the one who’s been rolling her eyes and talking back to me.” — @RelaxingMommy
- *In Mary Poppin’s voice* “Kids, time to go!”
15 minutes later… *Christian Bale’s Batman voice* “I said, let’s go.”
- When my kid tells me they got hurt doing exactly what I told them to stop doing so they wouldn’t get hurt, I say, “Oh noooooo…”
Kids Are Stupid Jokes… For Mom
- “Look at me, Mommy!” is the toddler equivalent of “Hold my beer.”
- My kid sure talks a lot of crap for someone who still puts Crocs on the wrong feet.
- I yelled upstairs to my kids that I was heating up a frozen pizza for dinner. My daughter, who is obsessed with every Disney princess, immediately asked: “Is it Frozen or Frozen 2?
- I expected to have to spend more time on things after having kids, but no one warned me about how many years of my life I’d loose waiting for them to get in and out of the car.
- “I love when the kids tell me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a sink full of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time.” — Just Surviving
- How kids say goodnight: “I fed the dog, and now he’s making a funny noise.”
- Daughter: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Daughter: Ugh. Fine. Mom, what’s an example of a palindrome?
Daughter: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
- “Repeating the same thing over and over to your kids isn’t so bad if you think of it as chanting a zen mantra: “Put on your shoes. Put on your shoes. Put on your shoes. Ommmmm.” —@copymama
- *Introducing my girlfriend to the family*
Mom: Don’t settle for this, you deserve better..
Me: But Mom, I lov…..
Mom: I was talking to her.
- A girl was practicing her singing skills when her mum told her…
Mum: I wish you were on TV.
Daughter: Thanks Mom… Am I that good?
Mum: No, I’d just be able to turn your voice down.
- My toddler is angry at me right now because I don’t know how to help her remember what she forgot to tell me.
- “If at first you don’t succeed… try doing it the way Mom told you to in the beginning.” — Unknown
- My son used to be scared of pretty girls.
So I explained that was silly, because they’re much more scared of me.
- A boy is loudly praying, “God please give me a bicycle.”
His Mom asks, “Why are you praying so loudly? God isn’t hard of hearing.”
The boy replies, “Yes but grandma is.”
- My kids asked me what it was like to be a Mom.
So, I woke them up at 3 a.m. demanding to know where my lucky sock was.
- A kid asks his Mom:
Mom, what’s dark humor?
Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap
Mom! I’m blind….
- “I just watched my child individually pick off and eat every sprinkle on the donut I gave her. She has the patience for that, but can’t wait 30 seconds for me to pee by myself.”
- A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole. She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said “Honey, he just wanted to see your underwear.” The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said “I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole.” Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother “Mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn’t wear any underwear.”
- Why is it that kids can repeat a swear word after hearing you say it once but still “don’t know how” to pick up their shoes despite seeing you do it a million times?
- My Mom said that if I don’t get off my computer and do my homework, she’s gonna slam my head on the keyboard.
But I don’t give a fuskhhkxkhdkhhskhd
- My 3-year-old son was examining his testicles in the bathtub
“Mom,” he asked. “Are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” I replied
Funny Mother’s Day Jokes
This next section is a list of hilarious Mother’s Day jokes. From kid-friendly knock, knock jokes to clever one-liners and tongue-in-cheek Mom puns, these jokes are sure to bring a smile to Mom’s face.
- Why was the house so neat on Mother’s Day?
Because Mom spent all day Saturday cleaning it.
- What did the teenager say to his Mom on Mother’s Day when she doing the dishes?
“Relax Mom… you can just do them in the morning.”
- Why is Mother’s Day before Father’s Day?
So the kids can spend all their Christmas money on Mom.
- Why did Mom get a plate of English muffins on Mother’s Day?
Her family wanted her to feel like the queen!
- What was Cleopatra’s favorite day of the year?
- What color flowers do cats like to get on Mother’s Day?
- Knock, knock.
Justin time to say Happy Mother’s Day!
- Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales?
Because mothers are priceless.
- Why did the boy put the Mother’s Day cupcakes in the freezer?
His sister told him to ice them.
- Why did the Mother’s Day gift arrive the day after Mother’s Day? It was choco-late.
- What kind of flowers are best for Mother’s Day?
- Knock, knock.
Abby Mother’s Day!
- What kind of candy do Moms love for Mother’s Day? Her-she’s Kisses.
- Bought my Mom a mug that says, “Happy Mother’s Day from the World’s Worst Son.”
- Mother’s Day Card: The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife… Thank you for everything, Mom. Happy Mother’s Day!
Funny Mom Jokes That Will Make Mom Mad
- As I handed my Mom her 50th birthday card today she said, “One would’ve done.”
- “My Mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.'” — Paula Poundstone
- I try to teach my Mom something new everyday.
Because you’re supposed to learn from your mistakes.
- My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother… until my Mom took the urn from me.
- Girl: I want to donate a lot of my clothes to the little girls that don’t have any,
Mom: Who are these Girls??
Girl: You know, the ones on Daddy’s computer.
- “Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital…”
“You’ve been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that.”
- My Mom told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much.
I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”
- I said to my parents, “Mom, Dad… I’ve decided to live on my own from now on.”
“Okay, that’s fine,” my Mom replied.
I added, “Your luggage is outside.”
- My Mom is so ugly… the world faked a pandemic just so she had to wear a mask.
- I workout every day to keep up with my kids. Just kidding: I workout every day so I do not kill my kids.
- My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, “Hey, big brother… take off my shirt.”
So I took off her shirt.
Then she says, “Take off my skirt…”
So I took off her skirt.
Then she says, “Take off my bra and panties…”
So I took off her bra and panties.
Then she says, “If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I’m telling Mom and Dad!”
- A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank being robbed. She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.
15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, “Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out.”
Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, “Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out.”
Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, “Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?”
The son replied, “No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog.”
- Kid: Mum! I’m going out!
Mum: You’re not leaving this house until you change that miniskirt!
Mum: Because I can see your balls, Johnny
- “Mom, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy. “Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his mother replied. After dinner, the mother asked, “Now, baby, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
- When I was a kid my Mom used to say ” Perdon my French” when she said any bad word.
I’ll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.
- Child: Definition of sweater: something you wear when your mother gets cold
- A young boy is bathing with his mother
Boy says, Whats that hairy thing Mom?
Mom replies, That is my sponge.
Oh yes, says the boy, The babysitters got one, I’ve seen her washing Dads face with it.
- Whoever said “Money can’t buy happiness” obviously never hired a cleaning person.
- That Moment when you do catch yourself frustrated with your child… for being just like you.
New Mom & Funny Baby Jokes For Mom
- Do not fear child birth, that is the easy part. There is no epidural for motherhood.
- Parenting Hack: Hack? What?! Don’t be silly. There are no hacks. Everything is hard. These kids don’t listen. This is your life now.
- You know you’re a Mom when picking up another human to smell their butt isn’t only normal, but necessary.
- “Ah, babies. They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.” — Tina Fey
- Spit up is my new favorite accessory; no outfit is complete without it.
- Some days I amaze myself. Some others I just put the laundry in the oven.
- Based on the amount of laundry I do every week I am pretty sure there are people who live here that I haven’t met yet.
- Breastfeeding: the only weight loss program that increases your chest size.
- That joy when you just pumped enough milk for a girl’s night out.
- You know it’s time to clean out the diaper bag when you put it on the front seat and your car assumes it’s a person not wearing a seat belt.
- My baby plays with a lot of garbage for someone who has 600+ toys.
- There is a fine line between a unique baby name and a crazy baby name. And that line is Phelony.
- “Sometimes I stand there going, ‘I’m not doing any of this right!’ And then I get this big man belch out of her and I go, ‘Ah, we accomplished this together.'” —Christina Applegate
- I’m going to donate these bags of outgrown baby clothes to Goodwill. But first I’m going to drive around with them in my trunk for two months.
- It’s ironic that we celebrate the kid on the anniversary of the day their Mom did all the work.
- “Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.” — Shonda Rhimes
- “‘When can we come see the baby?’ Four a.m. would be super helpful. Thanks.” — Just Surviving Motherhood
- “I’ve conquered a lot of things… blood clots in my lungs — twice, knee and foot surgeries, winning Grand Slams being down match point, to name just a few. But I found out by far the hardest is figuring out a stroller!” — Serena Williams
- First baby: You start wearing maternity clothes as soon as the test is positive. Second baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. Third baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
- “You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.” —Shonda Rhimes
- Boy: “My Mom is having a new baby.”
Girl: “What’s wrong with the old one?”
- I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
- A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do in a day.
- A friend asked me if she should have a baby after 40. I said no, 40 babies are enough.
- New Mom math: Being able to instantly calculate age by months, even after one year.
- No one told me that being a Mom meant my baby would be the one drinking at night, and I’d be the one with the hangover.
- Tired of yelling to get your kid’s attention? Try one of these:
use the bathroom
make a phone call
relax on the couch
open a chocolate bar
- Mom: “I have the perfect son.”
Friend: “Does he smoke?”
Mom: “No, he doesn’t.”
Friend: “Does he drink whiskey?”
Mom: “No, he doesn’t.”
Friend: “Does he ever come home late?”
Mom: “No, he doesn’t.”
Friend: “I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?”
Mom: “He will be six months old next Wednesday.”
Funny Mom Jokes About Parenting & Motherhood
- “No one told me I would be coming home in diapers, too.” — Chrissy Teigen
- Being a mum is whispering “For F*ck’s shake” before answering to your name.
- Kids sure do make a lot of plans for people who can’t drive themselves anywhere.
- Why did the Mom cross the road?
To get to her daughter’s _________.
- Why did the mother cross the road?
To get some peace and quiet!
- Should I sleep or shower? I could sleep in the shower, but I am also starving…
- Sitting inside the car outside of your house is self-care. I can’t explain it, but if you know, you know.
- Son: “Mom, what’s a weekend?”
Mom: “I don’t know, sweetheart, I haven’t had one since you were born.”
- My nickname is Mom. But my full name is “Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom.”
- My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I am 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
- 90% of what I say to my children after 6pm ends with: … or you can go to bed right now.
- I wish someone would threaten to put me to bed for a change.
- Son: Mom, am I adopted ?
Mom: Why would we choose you?
- I’m 30 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don’t want to have kids. The look on my Mom’s face was pretty judgmental, but my husband and two children took it really, really hard.
- Kid: “Mom, am I ugly?”
Mom: “I told you not to call me Mom in public.”
- Whoever wrote the song “Easy Like Sunday Morning” did not have kids.
- “Some days I find myself doing strange things that don’t have any real purpose, in faraway corners in my house, and I realize I am literally and deliberately hiding from my children.” —Kate Hudson
- What do you call a person who’s overworked and not paid at all? A Mom.
- When your Mom’s voice is so loud, even your neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed.
- Why do my kids never appreciate that I stayed up all night overthinking for them?
- “If you’ve never said, ‘You need to back up a little so I can wipe myself,’ do you even have kids?” — @MotherOctopusKJ
- Yes, please get a new cup every time you need water — said no Mom ever.
- Daughter: “Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?”
Mother: “I don’t know dear, ask your grandmother.”
- Nobody test more your inner gangster more than your daughters smart mouth.
- Dear toymakers: Please stop making kid’s toys that require help from an adult. That’s not what toys are for.
- Mommy: “Mommy will think about it!”
Narrator: “Mommy never thought about it. She knew it was ‘no’ all along and just wanted everyone to STFU.”
- Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of Dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of “go ask your Mom”
- On the days that you feel like you’re being a bad Mom, just remind yourself that the Mom from the movie ET had an alien living in her house for weeks and didn’t notice.
- Whenever you find like you are a bad mum, just remember that the Mom from Home Alone was halfway to Paris when she realized she was missing a child.
- “It all starts with a late period, and then you aren’t on time for anything ever again.” —@lucylueorganics
- “The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant and let the air out of the tires.” —Dorothy Parker
- Motherhood is like a fairy tale… but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful gown and end up in old sweatpants cleaning up poop off the floor.
- Cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.
- Some days you question your parenting. Other days you have to question your child’s childing.
- “When you’re a Mom of teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron
- Mommy doesn’t have a favorite child—you all annoy me equally.
- “I love all my children equally. Except for the one that sleeps… I love that one more.” — Unknown
- “You know how once you have kids you never ever pee by yourself again? At least one of them is always in there with you at all times.” — Jennifer Garner
- Motherhood means that half the time I feel like I’m running an asylum, and the other half I feel like I belong in one.
- Mother: (n.) One person who does the work of 20 for free.
- A mother said to her son, “Look at that kid over there; he’s not misbehaving.”
The son replied, “Maybe he has good parents then!”
- “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it, anyway.” — Erma Bombeck
- Motherhood is fun and all, but have you ever had the house alone on a Saturday?
- My Mom got a sex change operation. After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn’t fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home. That’s when it all started, all the time all day long horrible Dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them. “Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the Dad jokes?!” I asked. He replied, “Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent.”
- “Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them. Mothers clean them.” —Rita Rudner
- “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” —Phyllis Diller
- “Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” — Kelly Oxford
- “The closest I get to a spa day is when the steam from the dishwasher smacks me in the face.” — @BadMomLife
- “Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” — Jenny McCarthy
- Night Mom: “Tomorrow, I’m going to get up early before all of the kids, pack their lunches, go for a run, cook a healthy breakfast, and enjoy 20 minutes of silent ‘me time.'”
- Morning Mom: “Hahahahahaha. Nice try.”
- How many Moms does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, obviously, and she has to do it or else it won’t get done.
- “Raising a kid is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.” — Ed Asner
- “Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.” — Julia Roberts
- “My kid is turning out to be exactly like me. Well played, Karma. Well played.” — House Wife Plus
- “Remember when you first became a parent. And everything was so terrifying? Now you watch your kid lick the grocery cart and you don’t even break a sweat.” — @She’s The Honest Mom
- Knock, knock.
Who’s there? Yo mama.
Yo mama who?
Yo mama who knows you didn’t take out the garbage like I asked you to.
- “Sometimes you just gotta send yourself to your room.” — @itsdeenalang
- My housekeeping style as a Mom can best be described as “there appears to have been a struggle.”
- Motherhood: When changing from plaid flannel PJs into black yoga pants qualifies as “getting dressed.”
- Please excuse the mess! My kids are making memories… of me yelling at them. To clean up the mess.
- Before having kids, every Mom thinks she’ll be a super-chill Mom. That’s because, at that point, we had no idea they’d break all our stuff, make ridiculous demands, and take roughly 10 years to get out of the car.
- “I love to play hide-and-seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can’t find me until after high school.”
Mom Jokes That Are Really Dad Jokes
- A kid asks his Dad, “What’s a man?”
The Dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”
The kid says, “I hope one day I can be a man just like Mom!”
- What do you call a Mom who isn’t around much and can’t seem to get their underwear into the hamper? Dad.
- “It’s not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” — Dorothy, The Golden Girls
- What three words solve every Dad’s problems?
“Ask your mother.”
- “Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face.” —Olivia Wilde
- Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your Mom’s the best sex in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just did your Mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!” Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your Mom liked it!” Finally, the guy interrupts. “Go home, Dad, you’re drunk.
- Son: “Dad, do you know the difference between a pack of cookies and a pack of elephants?”
Dad: “No.” Son: “Then it’s a good thing Mom does the grocery shopping!”
- To Mom: “I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m cold, I’m hot, can I have… where are you?”
To Dad: “Where’s Mom?”
Funny Mom Puns & Mom Jokes For Kids
- Momster: What Mom turns into after she counts to three.
- Knock, knock.
A door, Mommy.
- My Mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
- Q: How do you organize an outer space-themed party?A: You PLANET
- Where do baby Transformers come from?
- What do you call a small Mom?
- What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
“Where’s Pop Corn?”
- Why did the cookie cry?
Because his mother was a wafer so long!
- Why did the Mommy cat want to go bowling?
She was an alley cat.
- What did the panda give his Mommy?
A bear hug.
- Knock, knock.
Alec to give you kisses.
- What makes more noise than a child jumping on Mommy’s bed?
Two children jumping on Mommy’s bed!
- Roses are red, Violets are blue.
My Mom’s jokes, Are funnier than you.
- How do you keep little cows quiet, so their Mommy can sleep late?
Use the moo-te button.
- How do you get the kids to be quiet?
Say, “Mum’s the word.”
- What did the mother rope say to her child?
“Don’t be knotty.”
- My mum has the best solutions for every problem. She is truly the mother of invention.
- Olive you, Mom!
- Mom, you did a grape job raisin me.
- What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? “It’s pasture bedtime.”
- Not to be cheesy, but you’re a grate Mom.
- What kind of boat is barely staying afloat yet somehow manages to function? The mother ship.
- There is no butter Mom then you!
- What is a Mom’s favorite flower? ChrysantheMoms.
You Know You’re A Mom When…
- …being alone in your car is the most exciting part of your day.
- …the first thing you say when you walk into a room is, “What’s that smell?”
- …you have a secret stash of candy that not even your spouse gets to see.
- …all you want for your birthday is for people to stop getting a new glass every time they need a drink.
- …you glide the shopping cart back and forth even when there’s no baby in it.
- …someone else gets hurt and you cry.
- …silence isn’t golden; it’s suspicious.
- …going to work feels like a vacation, and going on vacation feels like work.
- …you have multiple conversations a day about poop, and none of it is yours.
- …you’ve been used as a human Kleenex and didn’t bat an eye.
- …you use baby wipes to clean literally everything.
- …happy hour is nap time—yours or theirs.
- …you consider a permanent marker a weapon of mass destruction.
- …you see a smear of brown on your shirt and you have to smell it to see if it’s chocolate or poop.
- …you have to choose between sneezing and waking the baby or holding it in and dislocating a rib.
- …you understand on a deep level why Mama Bear’s porridge was too cold.
- …spending $500 on new school clothes for your kids is easy, but you need a coupon and cash to buy new leggings for yourself.
- …you realize you just cleaned the living room so your kids would have room to play with all the toys that don’t fit in their messy rooms.
Dirty Jokes About Moms
What did you think of our list of dirty momma jokes? Were they funny or too offensive? Too NSFW? Please let us know in the comments and thanks for reading!