5 Everyday Office Problems As Solved By John Rambo

Take some lessons from a true master of war.

There’s a lot we can learn from Sylvester Stallone’s character, Rambo, and his perseverance under pressure. Throw away your copy of “Sun Tzu and the Art of Business” and take some lessons from a true master of war.

Cover of "Rambo (Widescreen Edition)"01) Rambo Loses A Dollar In the Snack Machine

Regional Account Executive John Rambo wants nothing more than his afternoon snack bag of Famous Amos Cookies. But after inserting his dollar, the cookies don’t make it all the way out. Emotionlessly, Rambo barricades the door to the break room, makes camp and lets the machine sweat fear for the night. In the early morning hours, he pries open the plastic front of the machine open with his hunting knife, removes the cookies, and topples the vending machine over as a warning about what happens when you double-cross a hard-working employee like Rambo.

02) Rambo Gets a Poor Performance Review

Despite hard work on Rambo’s part, sales are down and the result is a poor performance review from his manager. The negativity triggers his memories of being a POW. Rambo’s snatches the review sheet out of his manager’s hands, shoves it onto an arrow, lights it, and fires it from the office, through the window, and into the boss’s new convertible. The car explodes with a fireball three-stories tall. As the car burns, Rambo mumbles to no one in particular, ‘I always like to take ownership of my work.’ But he will never get over the guilt he feels for surviving when so many of his friends died in Vietnam.

03) The Office Copier Runs Out of Toner

Rambo has to make 10 copies of a report for the weekly account review but discovers the office copy machine is out of toner. Worse, the office manager forgot to order more toner, which will likely result in a passive-aggressive dressing down from his boss. Rambo returns to his cubicle, takes out the bullets he stores next to his post-it notes, and cuts them open with his knife. He collects the gunpowder and mixes it with the ink from his pens. Once he has enough fluid, he pours the mixture into the empty toner cartridge and begins copying, without even creasing his business-casual camouflage pants.

04) Rambo Learns His Company is Hiding POWs

Looking for paper clips, Rambo opens what seems to be a storage closet only to find a secret compartment where his company has been secretly keeping Vietnam prisoners of war. Rambo doesn’t need his Outlook Calendar to remind him how to kick ass. He wraps his tie around his head, grabs the M-60 from behind his ‘Hang In There!’ kitten poster dives into that supply closet and executes the guards with ruthless efficiency. He frees the POWs, providing covering fire until everyone leaves the office park safely. Then, Rambo strides into the office of the executive who held them, leaving a “present” of C4 explosives underneath his desk.

05) Someone Eats Rambo’s Lunch

Rambo doesn’t just write his name on his lunch bag because he needs practice writing it. But when some intern accidentally eats his roast beef sandwich, he vows revenge. He crawls up into the ceiling from his office chair. Then, slowly and silently makes his way into the air ducts above the intern’s cubicle. Rambo then waits patiently for 3 days until the intern is momentarily alone in the room, during a conference meeting for salaried employees. Rambo quietly removes the ceiling tile, bends down, and breaks the intern’s neck without making a sound. After returning to his desk, Rambo hits the fridge to take the intern’s lunch, which is, unfortunately, a Lunchable.