Every summer, the public is warned about the dangers of sharks. But people continue to ignore the warnings and, they continue to get attacked. Something isn’t working here. Maybe we should try some reverse psychology. Here are some ways that you can increase your chances of a shark attack. That’s right. This article has a list of tips that will help you increase, not decrease, your chances of being attacked by a shark.
Visit An Area Known For Shark Attacks
Excluding extreme flooding and exploding aquarium water tanks, a landlocked location like Utah is not ideal for a shark attack. But you can increase your odds dramatically by visiting an ocean. Globally, the United States, Australia, and Africa have the most total shark attack victims.
Nations With The Most Shark Attacks Since 1958
- United States (excluding Hawaii)
- Australia
- Africa
- Asia
- Hawaii
- Pacific Islands
- South America
- Bahamas & Antilles
- Middle America (Mexico, Central America, Caribbean)
- Europe
Of the thousands of documented shark attacks worldwide, about 40% occur in the United States. But the most shark attack fatalities have been reported in Africa, Australia, and the Pacific Islands respectively.
- Swim in areas where sharks are known to be present. This includes areas where there have been previous shark attacks, as well as areas where sharks are known to feed.
Swim Near Sewage Drains
Sharks are drawn to areas of coastal activity and moving water. Try to swim in an area with a drain or sewage pipes. When a shark smells feces, they know dinner is nearby. Yum!
Wear Lots Of Shiny Jewelry
Sharks, like all fish, love shiny objects. The reflected light from the jewelry resembles the sheen of fish scales. That’s why fishing lures have reflective spinners.
Necklaces, rings, toe rings, anklets, earrings, and even a belly necklace will help attract sharks. Pretend you’re Mr. T in a bathing suit. The more bling the better. Also, try wearing a shiny or sequence bathing suit. And if you want to really increase your chances of a shark attack, glue some large barbecue utensils to your body.
- Wear shiny jewelry or objects. The reflection of sunlight off of shiny objects can attract sharks.
Swim With Blood In The Water
A shark has a fairly acute sense of smell and can detect blood from miles away. Give yourself a few paper cuts before jumping into the ocean. If you’re a woman, try to swim in the ocean during your period.
You can also try swimming near fishermen. They will often attract fish by chumming the water. Chum is a mixture of fish blood, old bait, and dead fish parts. Or try filling a Super Soaker with fish blood and shooting yourself in the face. That should help get some extra attention.
- Bleed in the water. If you are bleeding, sharks can smell the blood and may be attracted to you.
Swim At Night
Sharks are the most active during darkness or twilight hours. They also have a competitive sensory advantage. So if you want to see more sharks, then swim at dawn, dusk, or during the middle of the night.
Swim Alone
Jaws is the ultimate shark attack movie, and we can learn a lot about increasing our odds of a shark attack from this film. The first lesson that we can learn on how to increase your shark attacks odds from Jaws, is to go swimming alone.
One of the most famous shark attack victims of all time is the woman in the opening scene of Steven Spielberg‘s movie Jaws. Sharks are more likely to attack solitary individuals.
- Swim alone. Sharks are more likely to attack solitary individuals.
Swim With A Pet
Excessive splashing and the erratic movements of pets can also help get a Shark’s attention. So toss a little yapping lapdog in the ocean with you!
Swim In Murky Water
Swimming in murky water will also increase your odds of a shark attack. Sharks have difficulty seeing in murky water, so they are more likely to mistake you for a prey animal. Murky water also makes it more difficult for you to see sharks, so you are less likely to be able to avoid them.
- Swim in murky water. Sharks have difficulty seeing in murky water, so they are more likely to mistake you for a prey animal.
Wear A Yellow Bathing Suit
Some people believe that yellow bathing suits are especially attractive to sharks. Divers call it Yum Yum Yellow. No one knows for sure though because sharks don’t give interviews. But please feel free to dress up like a giant banana.
Try To Help An Ocean Animal In Trouble
Distressed ocean animals, like beached whales or seals caught in a fishing net, are excellent shark attack opportunities for you. Sharks are attracted to animals in trouble.
Or, you can try to help a shark. It’s an opportunity to save them and feed them (yourself) at the same time. These guys in Baja, California waded into the water to try to help what they thought was a whale. Instead, it was a white shark. Oopsie!
Shark Attack: Meet Your Assassin
- Species: The Apex predator of the ocean is the Great White shark. They are responsible for more human fatalities than all the other sharks combined. Great White sharks have been called ‘perfect killing machines.’ Sharks are one of nature’s ultimate designs, tested over 400 million years — confident, sleek, and lethal.
- Habitat: Temperate and subtropical coastline worldwide.
- Size: Can exceed 20 ft. (6 m) and 4,000 lb. (1,800 kg)
- Diet: Seals, sea lions, turtles, seabirds, small whales, and you! Great White sharks can go as long as three months without eating. But you’re worth it, right?
- Life Span: 25–100 years.
- Jaws: When a shark opens its mouth, its upper jaw extends, allowing its lower jaw to drop. Once a Great White’s mouth is fully open, muscle contractions shift its jaws out of its mouth, giving its 3,000 teeth a better grip. A typical Great White will have 50 “active” teeth with three more rows of teeth behind them. A Great White’s bite can exert over 2000 pounds of crushing pressure. Also, sharks have no solid bones. Their body is made up entirely of cartilage.
What Are Your Odds Of Becoming A Shark Attack Victim?
This article is obviously a satire designed to shock you into paying attention and avoid becoming a shack attack victim yourself. In all seriousness, be safe out there. And take comfort in knowing that your odds of being attacked by a shark are actually very low. Every year, only about 70 shark attack victims are reported worldwide. According to the Surfrider Foundation, you actually have a 30 times greater chance of getting struck by lightning.
I’m a dog owner that loves poetry, vampires, mountain biking, and cosplay. I’m open to ideas and still trying to figure my SFO life out one blog post at a time. LF ISO SWF GSOH SI DDF.
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