Fletch Quotes: 30 Of The Funniest Quotes From The Movie Fletch

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Picked by Chevy Chase himself, Fletch is one of his favorite roles from his acting career. Here are some of the funniest Fletch quotes from the brilliant 1985 film.

With comedy classics like Christmas Vacation, European Vacation, and Caddyshack under his belt, the 1985 film Fletch often takes a backseat when remembering Chevy Chase‘s greatest film roles.

Named by Chase himself as one of his favorite roles of all time, Fletch is a fun film to quote. And you might be surprised to learn that most of the classic Fletch quotes from the film weren’t even in the script. Chase ad-libbed them. In a 2004 Entertainment Weekly interview, Chase reminisced about the film and named some of his favorite Fletch quotes: “It’s my favorite role because if anything, it represented my comic ability and was closest to what I’m really like. I was able to make up anything. ‘Dr. Jellyfinger.’ ‘I’ll have a steak sandwich and… a steak sandwich.’ ‘John! John Cocktoaste’ I did most of it on the fly.”

The movie Fletch has a very loose plot. The film is about an arrogant undercover reporter named Irwin “Fletch” Fletcher. The storyline creates the perfect backdrop for Chevy Chase to wear bad physical disguises, invent ridiculous fake identities, and use his classic one-liners.

Here are some of the funniest Fletch quotes from the 1985 film. How many of these Fletch quotes do you find yourself quoting or paraphrasing on a regular basis?

Stolen Car

Driving away from police in a car with a startled teenager.

• Kid: Are you a cop?
• Fletch: As far as you know. Why? Did you steal this car?
• Kid: I sure did.
• Fletch: Well, I’m not even sure that’s a crime anymore. There’ve been a lot of changes in the law.

Where’s The Records Room?

• Receptionist: Can I help you Dr.–?
• Fletch: Oh it’s me, Dr. Rosenpenis. I’m just here to check out Alan Stanwyk’s file.
• Receptionist: Dr. who?
• Fletch: Dr. Rosenrosen, I’m here to get into the records room.
• Receptionist: What was that name again?
• Fletch: It’s Dr. Rosen, I want to check the records room.
• Receptionist: Dr. who?
• Fletch: Dr. Rosen! Where’s the records room?

Caviar

• Fletch: Do you have caviar?
• Waiter: Si Senor. Beluga, but it is $100 dollars a portion.
• Fletch: Oh, then I better just take two of those.

Mattress Police

• Fletch: I didn’t want to do this, but I’m afraid I’m gonna have to pull rank on you. I’m with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses.

Garage Remodel

• Fletch: Oh, you’ve remodeled the garage. Must have cost you hundreds.

The Exam

During a proctological exam.

• Fletch: Using the whole fist, Doc?

Odd Parents

• Fletch: I’m John.
• Gail Stanwyk: Ohhhh, John. John who?
• Fletch: John Cock…tos…ton.
• Gail Stanwyk: That’s a beautiful name.
• Fletch: It’s Scotch / Romanian.
• Gail Stanwyk: That’s an odd combination.
• Fletch: So were my parents.

Defenseless Babies

To a Doberman pinscher:

• Fletch: Look, defenseless babies!

I’m Frieda’s Boss

• Madeline: I’m sorry, who are you again?
• Fletch: I’m Frieda’s boss.
• Madeline: Who’s Frieda?
• Fletch: My secretary.

Nugent. Ted Nugent.

• Alan Stanwyck: If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand – and your mouth shut.
• Fletch: Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?
• Alan Stanwyck: It’s nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you.
• Fletch: Yeah, I assure you.
• Alan Stanwyck: One thousand just to listen. I don’t see how you can pass that up, Mister…?
• Fletch: Nugent. Ted Nugent.

Steak Sandwiches

• Waiter: Would you like to order something, sir. I will put it on the Underhills’ bill.
• Fletch: Oh, yes. Very well. I’ll have a Bloody Mary, a steak sandwich and a… steak sandwich.

Elephant Books

• Doc: That’s an interesting name, Mr…?
• Fletch: Babar.
• Doc: Is that with one B or two?
• Fletch: One. B-A-B-A-R.
• Doc: That’s two.
• Fletch: Yeah, but not right next to each other, that’s what I thought you meant.
• Doc: Isn’t there a children’s book about an elephant named Babar.
• Fletch: Ha, ha, ha. I wouldn’t know. I don’t have any.
• Doc: No children?
• Fletch: No elephant books.

From The Waist Up

• Fletch: It was something your wife said while we were in bed together. She said we had the same build. From the waist up I imagine.

Where My Mouth Is

• Gail Stanwyck: You ordered lunch to my room.
• Fletch: Well, I knew that’s where my mouth would be.

The Records Room

• Fletch: Where am I?
• Records Nurse: You’re in the records room.
• Fletch: Oh. Do you have The Beatles White Album? Never mind, just bring me a cup of hot fat. And the head of Alfredo Garcia.

What’s That Smell

• Fletch: There has been a lot of drug smuggling on the beach lately. I have been trying to find out who’s behind it, it hasn’t been easy … I don’t shower much.

Communists

• Fat Sam: I’ve got some reds.
• Fletch: You don’t mean communists do you, Sammy?

Humanitarian Awards

• Fletch: You know, if you shoot me, you’re liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.

Secret Service

• Fletch: …and who would have known that the Vice President knew I was opening the door, but the Secret Service, they just *whack* (mimes door hitting him in the face), blood…

A Guest Of The Underhills

• Waiter: Excuse me, sir, you are with the club?
• Fletch: No, I’m here with the Underhills.
• Waiter: The Underhills? They already left Senor.
• Fletch: Oh they’ll be back. Ted went out for his urinalysis.

Rubber Gloves

• Alan Stanwyck: You do own rubber gloves?
• Fletch: I rent ’em. I have a lease with an option to buy.

Spleen

• Pathologist: Ever seen a spleen that large?
• Fletch: No, not since breakfast.

Can I Borrow Your Towel?

To Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel.

• Fletch: Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.

Manure-Spreader

• Fletch: I would have been here sooner, but a manure-spreader jackknifed on the Santa Ana. You should see my shoes.

I Like Men

Fletch is being interrogated by LAPD Chief Karlin and he is giving him attitude.

• Chief Karlin: What’s your name?
• Fletch: Fletch.
• Chief Karlin: What’s your full name?
• Fletch: Fletch F. Fletch.
• Chief Karlin: What do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch?
• Fletch: I’m a shepherd.
• Chief Karlin: Why are you doing this, Mr. Fletch?
• Fletch: I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you.

I’ll Waive My Rights

Fletch is being framed for drug possession by two very large cops.

• Fletch: Aren’t you gonna read me my rights?
• Cop: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped on by him.
• Fletch: I think I’ll waive my rights.

Pump Each Other

• Chief Karlin: Why don’t you two leave us alone?
• Fletch: Yeah, go down to the gym and pump each other.

Loving Hookers

• Gail Stanwyck: Look at her would you look at her. She looks like a hooker. Could you love someone who looked like that?
• Fletch: What are you talking about? Of course not! Five, ten minutes tops, maybe.

Indian Names

• Stanton Boyd: What kind of a name is Poon?
• Fletch: Comanche Indian.

I Feel Like $100

After Fletch gets kicked in the crotch.

• Gummy: Fletch! Are you all right?!
• Fletch: Oh, yeah. I feel like a hundred dollars.

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Chevy Chase’s Funniest Fletch Quotes

What did you think of our list of Fletch quotes? Did we leave any of your favorite Fletch movie quotes out? If so, let us know in the comments.

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