There have been many dicks in the annals of baseball. I’m not talking about Ty Cobb or Barry Bonds. I’m talking Dick Cox and Dick Manville. Dick Hoover and Dick Pole. To date, 131 Dicks have taken the field as part of Major League Baseball (not including dicks of the lowercase variety). But there’s also been at least one Kuntz. One Boozer. And one Putz. The history of bizarre, bawdy and just plain bad baseball names is long and fascinating. This is a tribute to those men who lost out in the lottery of baseball names (this is also a chance to laugh at them).
KUNTZ AND RANDYS
RUSTY KUNTZ Kuntz had a .236 lifetime batting average — seems his bat was rusty, too. Good ol’ Rusty. I cherish my Rusty Kuntz baseball cards more than anything. They’re worth about a nickel apiece, but the joy I got out of seeing the name “Rusty Kuntz” is priceless. He inspired this list and my fascination for bad baseball names. Thanks, Kuntz!
RANDY JOHNSON It sounds like a nice enough name — then, upon further inspection, you’ll discover it is the filthiest name in baseball history. Let’s do the math. Randy = horny. As in “Do I make you randy?” Johnson = penis. As in “My johnson itches in this jock!” That makes Randy Johnson a double threat and just another way of saying “horny penis.” Maybe it’s not a coincidence that his nickname is the Big Unit, which, again, is just another way of saying “horny penis.” (Note: To be fair, there have been three Randy Johnsons in the history of baseball. The other two were position players in the early ’80s.)
RANDY BUSH Just as Superman has Bizarro, Randy Johnson has Randy Bush. Unfortunately, the baseball gods never saw fit to have these two double sexual innuendoes face each other. Outfielder Randy B. was in the American League while pitcher Randy J. was in the National, so the world never got to see what would happen if a randy bush squared off against a randy johnson. We know who’d win this one, though, don’t we fellas?
A GAYLORD, A BOOZER, A PUTZ
GAYLORD PERRY Truly one of my all-time favorite baseball names. He was not only named Gaylord. And Perry. He was famous for spitting on his balls. Gaylord Perry has the gayest name since the late 19th century infielder Pussyfoot Hymen. But Pussyfoot isn’t in the Hall of Fame, is he?
TIM SPOONEYBARGER His name doesn’t have any sexual connotation. It’s just freakin’ stupid. Say it out loud. Spooney-barger! Now, try not to laugh. Spooneybarger hasn’t played in the big leagues since 2003. Maybe he’d do better as an H.R. Pufnstuf character.
JUNG BONG Sounds like a character in a Cheech and Chong movie. If the Korean pitcher was about 30 years older, we could have seen a match up with this guy…
JOHN BOOZER It’s one of those match-ups baseball fan dream about…Bob Gibson vs. Nolan Ryan…Roger Clemens vs. Sandy Koufax…but wouldn’t you rather see the outcome of Boozer vs. Bong? It would answer a lot of questions, wouldn’t it?
J.J. PUTZ It’s a pretty bad name. But when you learn what his parents really wanted to name him, you realize he got lucky. I mean, would Topps even print a baseball card with the name Pussyfart McQueef?
DOE BOYLAND I just like this one because it sounds like the name of Michael Jackson’s next estate.
COCO CRISP Mmmm…Coco Crisp