The 30 Best Office Space Quotes (How Many Do You Know?)

Have you ever had the urge to demolish a temperamental office printer or had to endure a smarmy, condescending boss? If so, the 1999 comedy, Office Space, should hit pretty close to home for you. Director Mike Judge (Beavis and Butt-head) has come up with a spot-on look at what it was like to work in corporate America in the 1990s.

The Best Office Space Quotes

Office Space has a fantastic script and is full of memorable lines. Here are the best Office Space quotes from the 1999 film. How many do you know?

Being “Michael Bolton”

• Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it… until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass-clown became famous and started winning Grammys.

Michael Bolton Fans

• Bob Slydell: I’ll be honest with you. I love his music. I do. I’m a Michael Bolton fan.
• Bob Porter: Me too.
• Bob Slydell: For my money, I don’t know if it gets any better than when he sings ‘When a Man Loves a Woman’.

There Is No Paper Jam!

• Samir: No! Not again! Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam! I swear to God one of these days I’m just going to kick this piece of shit out of the window.

PC Load Letter?!

• Michael Bolton: (The printer isn’t working. There’s an error message on the display screen) “PC load letter”?!! What the fuck does that mean?!!

The Jump to Conclusions Mat

• Tom Smykowski: It’s a “Jump to Conclusions Mat”! You see, you have this mat, with different CONCLUSIONS written on it.
• Michael Bolton: That is the worst idea I’ve ever heard!
• Samir: Yes, this is horrible, this idea!

Breast Exams

• Lawrence: Hey Peter, check it out, channel 9, it’s the breast exams!

Did You See The Memo About The New TPS Reports?

• Bill: Uh… we have sort of a problem here. Yeah. You apparently didn’t put one of the new coversheets on your TPS reports.
• Peter: Oh, yeah. I’m sorry about that. I, I forgot.
• Bill: Yeah. You see, we’re putting the cover sheets on all TPS reports
  now before they go out. Did you see the memo about this?
• Peter: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I’ve got the memo right here, but, uh, uh, I just forgot. But, uh, it’s not shipping out until tomorrow, so there’s no problem.
• Bill: Yeah. If you could just go ahead and make sure you do that from now on, that will be great. And uh, I’ll go ahead and make sure you get another copy of that memo. Mmmm, Ok?

The Million Dollar Question

• Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
• Lawrence: I’ll tell you what I’d do, man, two chicks at the same time, man.
• Peter Gibbons: That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?
• Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money.
• Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
• Lawrence: Well the kind of chicks that’d double up on me do.
• Peter Gibbons: Good point.
• Lawrence: What about you, what would you do?
• Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
• Lawrence: Well yeah.
• Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
• Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
• Peter Gibbons: I’d relax, sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.
• Lawrence: Well you don’t need a million dollars, to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he’s broke, don’t do shit.

I Don’t Like My Job And I Don’t Think I’ll Go Anymore

• Peter Gibbons: I don’t like my job and I don’t think I’ll go anymore.
• Joanna: You’re just not gonna go?
• Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
• Joanna: Won’t you get fired?
• Peter Gibbons: I don’t know. But I really don’t like it and, uh, I’m not gonna go.
• Joanna: So you’re gonna quit?
• Peter Gibbons: Uh-uh. Not really. I’m just gonna stop going.
• Joanna: When did you decide all that?
• Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
• Joanna: So you’re going to get another job?
• Peter Gibbons: I don’t think I’ll like another job.
• Joanna: Well what are you going to do about money? Bills?
• Peter Gibbons: You know I never really liked paying bills, I don’t think I’m going to do that either.

Walk Us Through A Typical Day

• Bob Slydell: If you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?
• Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
• Bob Slydell: Great.
• Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door–that way Lumberg can’t see me, heh–after that I sorta space out for an hour.
• Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
• Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I’m working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I’d say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.

Upper Management Written All Over Him

• Bob Slydell: I’d like to move us right to Peter Gibbons. We had a chance to meet this young man, and boy he’s just a straight shooter with upper management written all over him.

Hawaiian Shirt Day

• Lumbergh: Oh, and remember, next Friday…is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.

Pound Me In The Ass Prison

• Michael Bolton: We’re not going to some white-collar resort prison. No, no, no! We’re going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison!

Drew’s O-Face

• Drew: I’m thinking about taking that new chick from Logistics. If things go right I might be showing her my O-face. You know: Oh! Oh!

Choosing Your Friends Wisely

• Peter: Hey Lawrence, you wanna come over?
• Lawrence: No thanks, dude. I don’t need you fuckin’ up my life, too.

Worst Day Of My Life

• Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that’s on the worst day of my life.
• Therapist: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
• Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
• Therapist: Wow, that’s messed up!

Missing “Quite A Bit” Of Work

• Bob: Looks like you’ve been missing quite a bit of work lately.
• Peter Gibbons: Well, I wouldn’t say I’ve been MISSING it, Bob.

What is “Money Laundering”?

• Peter Gibbons: I can’t believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We’re looking up money laundering in a dictionary.

He’s The One Who Sucks

• Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It’s not that hard: Nayee-Nanajar. Nayeenanajar.
• Michael Bolton: Yeah, well, at least you’re name isn’t Michael Bolton.
• Samir: You know, there’s nothing wrong with that name.
• Michael Bolton: There WAS nothing wrong with it… until I was about 12 years old, and that no-talent-ass-clown because famous and started winning Grammys.
• Samir: Why don’t you just go by Mike, instead of Michael?
• Michael Bolton: No way! Why should I change it? He’s the one who sucks.

Payroll Glitch

• Bob Slydell: Milton Waddams.
• Bill Lumbergh: Who’s he?
• Bob Porter: You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles a lot.
• Bill Lumbergh: Oh, yeah.
• Slydell: Yeah, we can’t actually find a record of him being a current employee here.
• Bob Porter: I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him, but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck.
• Bob Slydell: So we just went ahead and fixed the glitch.
• Bill Lumbergh: Great.
• Dom Portwood: So um, Milton has been let go?
• Bob Slydell: Well just a second there, professor. We uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So he won’t be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it will just work itself out naturally.
• Bob Porter: We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem solved from your end.

Friday Firings

• Peter Gibbons: You’re gonna lay off Samir and Michael?
• Bob Slydell: Oh yeah, we’re bringing in some entry-level graduates, farm some work out to Singapore, that’s the usual deal.
• Bob Porter: Standard operating procedure.
• Peter Gibbons: Do they know this yet?
• Bob Slydell: No! No, of course not! We find it’s always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there’s less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.

I Just Don’t Care

• Peter Gibbons: It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care.

A Case Of The Mondays

• Peter: I gotta get out of here. I think I’m gonna lose it.
• Nina: Uh oh. Sounds like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays.

I Used To Be Addicted To Crack

• Steve: Hi, my name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to be addicted to crack, but now, I am off it and trying to stay clean. That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.

Vibe Magazine

• Peter Gibbons: What am I gonna do with 40 subscriptions to Vibe Magazine?

Working Weekends

• Peter Gibbons: He’s going to ask me to work on Sunday and I’m going to do it because I’m a pussy, which is why I work at Initech in the first place.
• Michael Bolton: Hey, I work at Initech and I don’t consider myself a pussy.
• Samir: Yes, I am also not a pussy.

Minimum Flair

• Joanna: You know what, Stan. If you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair, like your pretty boy over there, Brian, why don’t you just make the minimum 37 pieces of flair?

Yellow Stars & Flair

• Peter Gibbons: You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.

Milton’s Red Stapler

“I believe you have my stapler.” – Milton

I Could Set The Building On Fire

• Milton: I could set the building on fire…

Office Space Movie: Plot Overview

Peter (Ron Livingston) spends the day doing dull computer work in a cubicle. He has great friends, like Jennifer Aniston, a waitress at Chotchkie’s, a generic beer-and-burger joint à la Chili’s. And Diedrich Bader (The Drew Carey Show) has a minor but hilarious part as Peter’s mustached, long-haired, drywall-installin’ neighbor.

But even Pete’s friends can’t save him from his job and boring daily routine. He goes home to an apartment sparsely furnished by IKEA and Target. Then starts the day again with a maddening commute. His coworkers in the cube farm are annoying. His boss is a snide, patronizing jerk, and his days are consumed with tedium. In desperation, he turns to career hypnotherapy, but when his hypno-induced relaxation takes hold, there’s no shutting it off.

Layoffs are in the air at his corporation, and with two co-workers (both of whom are slated for the chute) he devises a scheme to skim funds from company accounts. The scheme soon snowballs, however, throwing the three into a panic until the unexpected happens and saves the day.

More Office Space Quotes?

What did you think of this list of Office Space movie quotes? Did we miss any good ones? Please let us know your favorite Office Space quotes in the comments and we’ll add them to this article.

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