Better Off Dead Quotes: Top 25 Better Off Dead Movie Quotes

From an obsessed paperboy to a drug-focused best friend, there’s a lot of love about the 1985 cult comedy classic, Better Off Dead. Starring John Cusack (Say Anything, High Fidelity) and Curtis Armstrong (Moonlighting, Revenge Of The Nerds) the film explores the painful teen years through absurd humor and is known for its catchy quotes and funny scenes. From “I want my two dollars” to “It’s real aardvark fur”, here are the best Better Off Dead quotes from director Savage Steve Holland‘s 1985 film.

I Know High School Girls

• Charles De Mar: I’ve been going to this high school for seven and a half years! I’m no dummy! I know high school girls.

I Want My 2 Dollars!

• Lane Myer: Johnny…
• Johnny: Four weeks, twenty papers, that’s $2 dollars. Plus tip.
• Lane Myer: Gee Johnny, I don’t have a dime.
• Johnny: Didn’t ask for a dime. 2 dollars.
• Lane Myer: Well, it’s funny, see, my mom, had to leave early to take my brother to school and my dad to work because…
• Johnny: 2 dollars. Cash.
• Lane Myer: See, the problem here is that… my little brother, this morning, got his arm caught in the microwave, and uh… my grandmother dropped acid and she freaked out and hijacked a school bus full of… penguins, so it’s kind of a family crisis… so come back later? Great.

This Is Fabulous Liqueur

• Mrs. Smith: This is a fabulous liqueur. Reminds me of the moonshine Ricky’s dead pappy used to make… God bless him.
• (Lights cigarette… House blows up.)

Sorry Your Mom Blew Up

• Lane Myer: Gee, I’m really sorry your mom blew up, Ricky. The doctor says she’ll be okay, but she won’t be able to eat any spicy foods for a while.

French Breakfast

• Lane Myer: Uh, hello?
• Monique Junot: Ah, bonjour.
• Lane Myer: Monique, hi.
• Monique Junot: Comment allez-vous?
• Lane Myer: No thanks, I already had breakfast.

Big Boy Smut

• Mailman: What’s a little boy like you doing with big boy smut like this?

Hottest Thing

• Charles De Mar: (about Lane) Man, you’re the hottest thing since sunburns!

She Only Speaks French

• Lane Myer: She only speaks French, Roy. She doesn’t speak imbecile.

He Put His Testicles All Over Me

• Monique Junot: I figured if we had nothing to say to each other he would get bored; go away. But instead, he uses it as an excuse to put his testicles all over me.
• Lane Myer: Excuse me?
• Monique Junot: You know, like an octopus? Testicles?
• Lane Myer: Ohhhh. Tentacles. N-T. Tentacles; big Difference.

K-12 Girls

• Charles De Mar: The K-12 dude. You make a gnarly run like that and girls will get sterile just looking at you.

I’ll Be Nothing

• Lane Myer: (talking about skiing the K-12) Look, Charles, I gotta do this. If I don’t, I’ll be nothing. I’ll end up like my neighbor Ricky Smith. He just sits around crocheting all day and snorting nasal spray.
• Charles De Mar: He snorts nasal spray? Know where I can score some?
• Lane Myer: ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME OR NOT?

Ski Instructions

• Charles De Mar: (Giving skiing instructions) Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.

A Perfectly Good White Boy

• Tree Trimmer: (To fellow tree trimmer after Lane falls into a dump truck when trying to commit suicide off of a bridge) Man, that’s a real shame when folks be throwin’ away a perfectly good white boy like that.

Speaking Howard Cosell

• Lane Myer: Two brothers… One speaks no English, the other learned English from watching The Wide World of Sports. So you tell me… Which is better, speaking no English at all, or speaking Howard Cosell?

The Race

• Yee Sook Ree: Truly a sight to behold. A man beaten. The once-great champ, now, a study in moppishness. No longer the victory hungry stallion we’ve raced so many times before, but a pathetic, washed up, aged ex-champion.
• Lane Myer: Alright let’s go!
• Crashes.

You Like Raisins

• Jenny Myer: I got the recipe from Ladies Home Journal. The mail got wet in the rain, so some of the pages ran together, but what I couldn’t read I just… improvised with my own little… creative ideas.
• Regarding the blob of food.
• Jenny Myer: You see, it’s got raisins in it… you like raisins.

Aardvark Fur

• Jenny Myer: It’s real aardvark fur!

Merci Buckets

• Lane Myer: Monique, I just wanted to thank you… for everything.
• Lane Myer: Merci buckets.

Mountain Street Value

• Charles De Mar: This is pure snow! It’s everywhere! Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?

Cannot

• Lane Myer: I have a great fear of tools. I once made a birdhouse in woodshop and the fair housing committee condemned it. I can’t.
• Monique Junot: “I cannot do it” is your middle name.

Monster Eggnog

• Charles De Mar: C’mon Dude, It’s Christmas Eve. I could be home right now, drinking this monster eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid.

French Christmas

• Mrs. Smith: Do you have Christmas in France?
• (Squeezing Monique’s cheeks.)
• Mrs. Smith: Chrisss-maaas! Christmas!

French Cuisine

• Jenny Myer: First, we have: Frawnch fries…and…Frawnch dressing…and…Frawnch bread…and to drink, Ta-da! Peru.

Someone More Popular

• Beth: I really think it’s in my best interest if I went out with someone more popular.

I Want My Two Dollars!

This might be the most popular Better Off Dead movie quote. Johnny The Paperboy harasses John Cusack throughout the film looking for his $2.

• Johnny: I want my two dollars!

Better Off Dead Cast

Most of the Better Off Dead cast went on to do other notable projects. But some will always best be known from their roles in this film, like Demian Slade, the Better Off Dead paperboy, and their memorable Better Off Dead movie quotes.

• John Cusack … Lane Meyer (Grosse Point Black, Say Anything)
• David Ogden Stiers … Al Meyer (M*A*S*H, Perry Mason)
• Kim Darby … Jenny Meyer (Murder She Wrote, Love Boat)
• Demian Slade … Johnny “Better Off Dead Paperboy” Gasparini (Untreated)
• Scooter Stevens … Badger Meyer (Tales From The Darkside)
• Diane Franklin … Monique Junet (Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure)
• Laura Waterbury … Mrs. Smith (Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Innerspace)
• Dan Schneider … Ricky Smith (Head Of The Class, Good Burger)
• Yuji Okumoto … Yee Sook Ree (The Karate Kid Part II, Inception)
• Amanda Wyss … Beth Truss (Cheers, JAG)
• Curtis Armstrong … Charles De Mar (Revenge of the Nerds, Risky Business)
• Vincent Schiavelli … Mr. Kerber (Ghost, Tomorrow Never Dies)
• Tina Littlewood … Chris Cummins (Aloha Summer)
• Steven Williams … Tree Trimmer (The X-Files)
• Taylor Negron … Mailman (The Last Boy Scout)

NERD NOTE: Better Off Dead was directed and written by Savage Steve Holland, known for films like One Crazy Summer and How I Got Into College. He also animated the “Whammy” on the game show Press Your Luck.

How Were These Better Off Dead Movie Quotes?

Did you remember the Better Off Dead movie by its name or as something else like the John Cusack ski movie or the $2 dollars movie? How was our selection of Better Off Dead movie quotes? Did we miss any of your favorites? Please let us know in the comments. Thanks for reading this article!

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