From the funny to the downright hilarious, these airport jokes will have you soaring through the sky with laughter. So, buckle up and enjoy the ride jokes!
WARNING: Most of these airport jokes are harmless, but a few are a little morbid or just generally NSFW. Readers beware.
Funny Flight Attendant Jokes
- Flight Announcement: “Last one off the plane has to clean it.”
- I asked a flight attendant to change my seat because of a crying baby next to me. It turns out you can’t do that if the baby is yours.
- What did the Klingon say to the flight attendant? “Today is a good day to fly.”
- A flight attendant is pushing the meal cart down the aisle. He asks a passenger if she would like some dinner. “What are my choices?” the woman replies. “Yes or no,” he replied.
- A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she’s wearing a uniform, she’s probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to try and pick her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto, “To fly, to serve”? The young woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and says the Air France motto. “Winning the hearts of the world”? Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. “Going beyond expectations”? The woman is now annoyed. She looks at him sternly and says, “What the f**k do you want”? “Aha”, he says… United Airlines.
- What did the football player say to the flight attendant? “Put me in coach.”
Funny Pilot Jokes
- Passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for the flight to leave. They were getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assured them that the pilots would be there soon. Finally, two men dressed in pilot uniforms walked up the aisle. Both wore dark glasses, one was using a seeing-eye dog, and the other was tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spread through the cabin, but the men entered the cockpit, closed the door, and started up the engines.
The passengers glanced nervously around, searching for some sign that this was just a little practical joke. None was forthcoming. The plane moved faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realized that they were headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As people saw the water approaching, panicked screams filled the cabin, but at that moment the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers relaxed and laughed a little sheepishly. Soon they all retreated into their magazines and phones, secure in the knowledge that the plane was in good hands.
In the cockpit, the pilot turned to the co-pilot and said, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re all going to die!” - I decided to leave work an hour early today. But the flight attendants started freaking out when I grabbed my parachute.
- Surely you can fly this plane! Yes, I can. And don’t call me Shirley.
- Did you hear about the young pilot who flew through a rainbow during his pilot’s exam? He passed with flying colors.
- Why do Stormtroopers make the best pilots? They never hit anything.
- The pilot starts talking on the intercom, “This is your Captain. We’re on our final descent into Seattle. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Seattle”. The pilot forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The copilot says to the pilot, “Well, Captian, watcha gonna do in Seattle?” With a big smile, the Captian says, “First I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap … then I’m gonna take that new stewardess with the huge t!ts out for dinner….. then I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and have sex all night.”
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She’s so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and falls down. The old lady leans over and says: “No need to hurry, dear. He’s gotta take a sh*t first.”
Airline Passenger Jokes
- Two men are at an airport. First man says, “I can’t find my wife.” Second man says, “I can’t find mine either, what does yours look like?” First man replies, “Six foot tall, blonde, big t!ts, mini skirt, and high heels. What does yours look like?” Second man says, “F**k her, we’ll look for yours.”
- Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar. An older man strolled by and saw the boy. He stopped abruptly and asked “Hey kid, do you think it’s a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?” The boy replied “I don’t know, but my grand pappy lived to be 102 years old.” The old man said “I’m sure he did, but he didn’t eat giant candy bars for breakfast did he?” The boy shook his head. “Nope. He just minded his own fu¢k!ng business.”
- What do you call it when you’re sick of being in the airport? Terminal illness.
- A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. “Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you from Italy?” He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!” When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?” “Very good,” she says. The husband joking replies, “And what happened to my present? The Italian girl?” “Oh, we’ll just have to wait 9 months to see if it’s a girl.”
- A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory. Because of their win, the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts, “Put me in coach!”
- A man is flying from Paris to New York. As he takes his seat, he notices a stunning woman boarding the plane. He intently watches her walk down the aisle… and bingo! She sits right next to him.
“Hello”, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?” She turns, smiles, and enchantingly says, “Business trip. I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention.”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responds. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” The man is transfixed. “Really?” he smiled. “What myths are those?”
“Well,” she explained, “One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is Indigenous men who are most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.”
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name!”
“Tonto,” the man said. “Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.”
Snarky Air Travel Jokes
- Why does Liverpool have an airport named after John Lennon? Because it’s the first place he went once he got some money.
- Yo Mama so stupid that when she saw a sign that said, “Airport Left,” she turned around and went home.
- Confucius says, “Man who walks through airport door sideways with erection, going to Bangkok.”
- A husband and wife forgot to check in for their 16-hour flight from Los Angles to Sydney, Australia. When they get to the gate, the attendant is apologetic. “I’m sorry sir, the flight is really full today. We couldn’t seat you together. Your seat number is 14A and your wife’s is 42H. The husband is shocked. He takes a moment and then replies, “Do I have to pay anything extra for this?”
- Bill Gates in an airport lounge: I was in the Seattle airport lounge when I noticed Bill Gates sitting by himself. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me, but she was running late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I had a very important business meeting and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick “Hello Chris” at me when I was with my client. He agreed. Ten minutes later, while I was talking with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, “Hi Chris, what’s happening?” To which I replied: “F**k off Gates, I’m in a meeting.”
Funny Airplane Dad Jokes
- What do you call a flying primate? A hot air baboon.
- Why did the students study in the airplane? Because they wanted higher grades.
- How do rabbits travel? By hare-oplane!
- What has a nose and flies, but can’t smell? An airplane!
- Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing? I just can’t see them taking off.
- What do you call a baby who just got his diaper changed inside an airport? Duty Free.
- Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? It was overbooked.
- Why did the airplane break up with the helicopter? They were just on different flight paths.
- What sound does a rubber airplane make? Boeing.
- I don’t find airplane jokes funny. To me, they’re just really Boeing.
Airplane Food Jokes
- What kind of bagel can fly? A plane bagel.
- The airline food made me sick on my way to Germany. It was the wurst.
Airport Security Jokes
- If you can’t afford healthcare… Go to an airport. They give free x-rays, TSA body scans, and mammograms… and if you mention al-Qaeda, they’ll throw in a free colonoscopy too!
- I tried to carry a board game onto the airplane, but security said I couldn’t do it. The(Amazon link) Risk was too big.
- I got arrested at the airport last week… Apparently, security doesn’t appreciate it when you call “shotgun” before boarding a plane.
- Vladimir Putin at the airport: Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk. Customs officer: “Occupation?” Putin: “No, just visiting.”
- Airport security asked me if I’d seen anything unusual. I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich. Let’s start with that.
Luggage Jokes
- I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
- Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, send one to Miami.” She said, “We can’t do that!” I told her, “You did it last week!”
- A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and rollover. This flummoxed the customer: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
- Two guys were working at the airport, when a man walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don’t understand… He asked again, in German. Again, the two workers did not understand him. He tried in Italian and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn’t understand him. He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him. One guy turned to the other guy and said, “You know, maybe we should learn a second language.” “Why would you want to do that?” replied the other guy. “It would help out in situations like the one we just had.” “What good would knowing a second language be? That guy knew 4, and it didn’t help him any.”
- At the airport today a man fainted and slumped over onto the luggage carousel. He slowly came around.
- A wife was having a tough time lugging her lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, she finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. “Do you always carry such heavy luggage?” the flight attendant sighed. “No more,” the wife said. “Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my frugal husband can buy the ticket!”
- A woman hails a cab and asks the driver how much it costs for a ride to the airport. The cab driver answers, “Around 20 bucks.” The woman then says “I’m carrying luggage, do these get charged?” Driver: “No, i don’t charge for luggage.” The woman smiles, leaves her luggage in the cab and then says, “See you at the airport then, I’ll take the bus.”
- A man and his wife barely made it in time to the airport. They have overpacked and brought multiple heavy suitcases with them.
Husband: “We should have taken the fridge with us.”
Wife: “In the name of God, why?”
Husband: “Our tickets are on it.”
Airplane Mechanic Jokes
- Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in, and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, ‘Man, I wish we had something to drink!’
Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?” So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane jet fuel cocktails and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It’s Jim. Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”
Dave says, “I feel great, how about you?” Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?” Dave says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often…”
“Yeah, well there’s just one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“Have you farted yet?”
“No.”
“Well, DON’T – cause I’m in New Zealand.”
Airport Pope Jokes
- The Pope flies from Rome to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine. Before he gets into the car, the Pope asks the driver, “Do you mind if I ask you a favor?” “A favor for the Pope??”, exclaims the driver, “of course. Anything!”
“You know, as the Pope, I never get to drive anymore, and I’d really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?” The driver felt that he couldn’t say no to the Pope himself, so he reluctantly obliged and let his Holiness get behind the wheel. To his utter dismay, the Pope is speeding and driving like a maniac!
After just a few moments, the limo gets pulled over by a New York City cop. The police officer walks over to the limo, looks in the driver’s window, then hurriedly runs back to his squad car to call his Sergeant.
Cop: “Sir, I have a problem.”
Sergeant: “What kind of problem?”
Cop: “Well, I pulled over this driver for speeding, but he’s someone really important.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the mayor?”
Cop: “No, no – a lot more important than that.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the governor?”
Cop: “Way more important than that, Sarge.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the President?”
Cop: “Even more important than him.”
Sergeant: “Who’s more important than the President?”
Cop: “I don’t know Sarge, but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!” - A man waiting at the airport overhears some people mention that the Pope will be on board his flight. ‘The Pope!’ He thought. Getting to see or even meet him would be amazing! He boards the plane with everyone and luckily enough his seat is right next to his holiness himself.
The man is nervous and doesn’t know what to say to the Pope, so he remains quiet and begins reading his book. Halfway through the flight, the Pope leans over and asks, “Pardon me, would you mind helping me with a crossword puzzle?”
“Absolutely, I love crossword puzzles!” The man happily obliged. The Pope continues, “I need a 4 letter word for a woman ending in -unt.” Surely the word can’t be c*nt, thought the man, this is the Pope, I can’t say that. So he pondered for a moment and came up with a new answer: “Aunt!” he declared. “Ah, of course. Thank you, son. Do you have an eraser?”
Plane Crash Jokes
- Two pilots are discussing piloting. One asks, “Why did you become a pilot?” She responds, “To overcome my fears.” The other asks, “Which one? Heights?” To which she responds, “Dying alone.”
- Why is development in airplane engineering so slow? Everyone is afraid to make a groundbreaking design.
- An American pilot is flying a small plane across Australia. He crashes into the Outback and is knocked unconscious. When he comes to, he’s in a hospital with a nurse standing over him. Still groggy and pretty much out of it, he asks, “Did you bring me here to die?” And the nurse responds, “Nah, ya got here yesta die.”
- As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and says, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt, and says, “Here, iron this!”
Skydiving Jokes
- My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. One guy asked, “If our chute doesn’t open, and the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?” Our jump master looked at him and, in perfect deadpan, answered, “The rest of your life.”
- Why don’t blind people go skydiving? It scares the crap out of their dogs.
- A man parachuted out of an airplane, and his chute did not open. As he headed for almost certain death, he saw a man coming up toward him through the air from the ground. As the man zoomed by, the man headed down asked, “Do you know anything about parachutes?” The man replied in passing, “No, you know anything about gas stoves?”
- A woman was nervously waiting at the airport for her husband to return from his skydiving lesson. The pilot approached her: “I’m sorry, but there’s been an accident. I have some bad news, some good news, some more bad news, and some more good news.” He continued, “The bad news is your husband fell out of the plane. The good news is he had his parachute on. The bad news is he hit the ground before his chute could open. The good news is we hadn’t taken off yet.”
- You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Funny Airport Jokes
From cramped seating to lost luggage, flying can be a stressful experience. Hopefully this collection of funny airport jokes made you laugh. If you know any more good airport jokes that we should add to this article, the please leave a comment below.
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