Show Some Balls, Man! 20 Of The Best Movie Quotes From Spies Like Us

Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd have individually made a lot of great movies over the years. They’ve also made some forgotten gems, such as the Cold War comedy, Spies Like Us. Although it wasn’t a huge blockbuster when it was released in 1985, Spies Like Us re-emerged as a cult classic in the years that followed. One of the biggest reasons for that is its excellent script by Dan Aykroyd, Lowell Ganz, and Babaloo Mandel. Here are the best movie quotes from Spies Like Us.

Nice And Simple: Press Conference Scene

• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Are there any Paraguayans here?
• (Laughs quietly)
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Of course, their requests for subsidies was not Paraguayan in and of it is as it were the U.S. government would never have if the president, our president, had not, and as far as I know that’s the way it will always be. Is that clear?

Overqualified For The Job

• Captain Hefling: What about that red Chinese radio chatter?
• Austin Millbarge: It’s done. Here you go.
• Captain Hefling: Done? That was a static-filled, triple-scrambled microwave transmission between two soldiers talking in Mandarin Chinese.
• Austin Millbarge: The Chinese were merely using a simple polyphonetically-grouped 20-square-digit key transposed in boustrophedonic form with multiple nulls. I broke it with this.
• (Holds up a kid’s cipher disk)
• Captain Hefling: A drogan’s decoder wheel? They put those into cereal boxes for kids.
• Austin Millbarge: Yeah, I found it in a box of Lucky Charms.
• Captain Hefling: Break it down again with the machines!
• Austin Millbarge: Already did.
• (Shows him the decoded message)
• Captain Hefling: Then… clean up your desk!

Excuses For Being Late

• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Sorry I’m late, I had to attend the reading of a will. I had to stay until the very end, and I found out I received nothing… broke my arm.

Cheating On The Exam Scene

• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Will you hold my wallet for me while I take the test, please? There’s a thousand dollars in there… or maybe there isn’t. You know what I mean?
• Test Monitor: Are you telling me I can take the money if I help you pass the test?
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: What do you think?

Besides having one of the best quotes from Spies Like Us, this scene also features a cameo from Frank Oz, the voice of Yoda from Star Wars as well several characters from The Muppets including Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Grover, and Animal. Frank Oz was friends with the director of Spies Like Us, John Landis, and made cameos in several of his other films including The Blues Brothers, Blues Brothers 2000, and Trading Places.

Surrounded By Ninjas: “For God’s sake, show some balls!”

• (Austin Millbarge and Emmett Fitz-Hume are surrounded by Ninja warriors)
• Austin Millbarge: For God’s sake, show some balls!
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: I think it might be too late to try and impress them.

Personally, this is one of my favorite quotes from Spies Like Us, if not my #1 favorite. Chevy Chase’s delivery of this line is perfect.

Basic Training: “Want some coffee?”

• Colonel Rhombus: We will now determine your G-Force threshold. Just relax, gentlemen.
• Austin Millbarge: I guess we just sit here?
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Piece of cake.
• (G-Force simulation machine starts spinning very fast. After a while, Austin and Emmett emerge, their faces distorted and frozen from the experience.)
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Want some coffee?
• Austin Millbarge: That’s a good idea.

This classic scene also features another great cameo. Matt Frewer (Max Headroom, Honey I Shrunk The Kids, Fear The Walking Dead) plays “Soldier #2,” a role with no lines in Spies Like Us.

Existentialism

• Russian Interrogator: Why are you here?
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Why am I here? Why are you here? Why is anybody here? I think it was Jean-Paul Sartre who once said… how do you spell Sartre?
• (Soldier slaps him)
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Ugh… and let that be a lesson to you.

Mine Or Yours?: “Every minute you don’t tell us why you’re here, I cut off a finger.”

• Russian Interrogator: Every minute you don’t tell us why you’re here, I cut off a finger.
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Mine or yours?
• Russian Interrogator: Yours.
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Damn!

The Means Of Torture: “You won’t start humming the theme to Jeopardy, are you?”

• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Why are you still hitting me? He’s going to cut my fingers off!
• Russian Interrogator: You have 30 seconds.
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: You won’t start humming the theme to Jeopardy, are you?

“Won’t you gentlemen have a Pepsi?”

The drive-in scene in Spies Like Us is another part of the movie that’s jam-packed with notable cameos. The scene starts with writer/producer Joel Coen (The Big Lebowski, No Country For Old Men, Fargo) and director Sam Rami (Spider-Man, Evil Dead) as the drive-in security gate guards. Mr. Ruby and Mr. Keyes are then greeted by four “Ace Tomato Agents” played by actors Michael Apted and Larry Cohen, director Martin Brest (Beverly Hills Cop, Scent Of A Woman) and blues guitar legend, B.B. King.

• Drive-In Security Guard (Joel Coen): The drive-in is closed.
• Mr. Ruby: We’re with the Ace Tomato Company.
• Drive-In Security Guard (Sam Rami): (Opens the gate)
• Mr. Keyes: All this cloak and dagger stuff. The military love it.
• Mr. Ruby: Christ, will you look at this place?
• Ace Tomato Agent (Michael Apted): Mr. Ruby.
• Mr. Ruby: Sir.
• Ace Tomato Agent (Larry Cohen): Mr. Keyes.
• Mr. Keyes: Yes, sir.
• Ace Tomato Agent (B.B. King): Won’t you gentlemen have a Pepsi?
• (Mr. Ruby and Mr. Keyes enter the dilapidated snack bar)
• Drive-In Security Guard (Martin Brest): Two Pepsis to go.

At the time Spies Like Us was filmed in 1984-85, Martin Brest had just finished Beverly Hills Cop (1984) but Sam Rami and Joel Coen were still in the very early stages of their careers. Looking back, it’s incredible to have these three remarkable filmmakers in the same movie scene.

The addition of B.B. King to the scene might sound strange, but at the time, Landis was working on a documentary about the blues legend called B.B. King: Into the Night. The two developed a friendship and Landis offered B.B. King a cameo as one of the Ace Tomato Agents in Spies Like Us.

“A weapon unused is a useless weapon.”

• General Sline: When we commissioned the Schmectel Corporation to research this scenario, it was determined that the continual stockpiling and development of our nuclear arsenal was getting to be self-defeating. A weapon unused is a useless weapon.

Lost In Translation: “Where’d you learn Russian, JCPenney?”

• Emmett Fitz-Hume: What is she saying?
• Austin Millbarge: He… hair… hairbrush… headrest…
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Jesus. Where’d you learn Russian, JCPenney?

Priorities

• Mr. Keyes: By your actions, sir, you’re risking the future of the human race!
• General Sline: I’m willing to take that risk to guarantee the American way of life.

What’s A Dickfer? The Dickfer Scene

• (Milbarge and Fitz-Hume hear a sound)
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Did you hear that?
• Austin Millbarge: Yeah. It’s a dickfer.
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: What’s a dickfer?
• Austin Millbarge: To pee with.

“Let’s play dead.”

• (A group of Ninjas surround Millbarge and Fitz-Hume)
• Austin Millbarge: We need a plan!
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Let’s play dead.

“This is my sister. You can all have her. I hear she’s very good.”

• (Still surrounded by Ninjas)
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Alright. Stop right there… and I’ll bring back the sun. Okay?
• (Takes out a picture from his wallet)
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: This is my sister. You can all have her. I hear she’s very good.

Too Many Doctors: Doctor, Doctor Scene

The “Doctor, Doctor Scene” is one of the most memorable scenes and famous quotes from Spies Like Us. It’s just a group of doctors greeting each other and acknowledging each other with their titles. I’d even dare to say it’s one of the best and simplest 2-3 pages of a movie script ever written.

• Dr. Imhaus: Doctor.
• Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
• Dr. Imhaus: Doctor.
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.
• (Dr. Imhaus leaves)
• Dr. Marston: Doctor.
• Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
• Dr. Marston: Doctor.
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.
• (Dr. Marston leaves)
• Karen Boyer: Doctor.
• Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
• Karen Boyer: Doctor.
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: (amorously) Doctor.
• (Dr. Boyer leaves)
• Jerry Hadley: Doctor.
• Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
• Jerry Hadley: Doctor.
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.
• (Dr. Hadley leaves)
• Austin Millbarge: We are not doctors!

This scene also features a couple of notable cameos. You probably remember Bob Hope’s brief appearance during his golf game. But you might not have noticed that one of the doctors is director Terry Gilliam (Monty Python, Time Bandits, The Fisher King, 12 Monkeys). Gilliam plays the role of Dr. Imhaus. His critically acclaimed film, Brazil, was also released in 1985, just a few days before Spies Like Us.

Exercising Extreme Caution: “Those things can… give your family a permanent orange Afro.”

• Austin Millbarge: Wait a minute. What are we doing here?
• Karen Boyer: This is our final objective. Our project orders are to subdue the crew and seize control of this emplacement.
• Austin Millbarge: Hold it, sister. We’re not going near that thing. That missile is tipped with a 40-megaton nuclear warhead.
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Good night, everybody.
• Karen Boyer: Where are you going?
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: Home.
• Austin Millbarge: For once, I am in complete agreement with my friend here. We should all get up and leave immediately. You know what those things can do? Suck the paint off your house and give your family a permanent orange Afro.

Proven Wrong In The Worst Way: “And my high school guidance counselor said I’d never amount to anything.”

• Austin Millbarge: Hard to believe it’s been only 15 minutes since I destroyed the world. In another 15 minutes, it’ll all be over. Such a short time to destroy a world. And my high school guidance counselor said I’d never amount to anything.

Worth A Try: “Want to go out with a bang?”

• Austin Millbarge: They’re saying it will be 28 minutes before the rocket detonates above its target, somewhere inside the continental United States. Let’s see… 28 minutes, that’s 18 until it’s inside the US radar cup. Figure 2 for our response, say 20 until total commitment, I figure, 20-22 until the first impact of our retaliatory strike. I figure we have 42 minutes until the end of civilization as we know it.
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: (to Karen) Want to go out with a bang?
• Karen Boyer: Beg your pardon?
• Emmett Fitz-Hume: It was just an idea.
• Karen Boyer: You know, if we were sitting in a bar, I’d throw a drink in your face. But, under the circumstances, its not such a bad idea.

Spies Like Us: Box Office Success & Legacy

The concept for Spies Like Us is simple. It’s the story of two bumbling government employees who think they are U.S. spies trying to prevent nuclear war, only to discover that they are actually decoys.

Why didn’t the movie become the huge hit it seemed destined to be? Well, a lot of it comes down to bad timing. The studio released the movie right before Christmas in 1985. Spies Like Us is a great movie, but probably not a top choice for families during the holiday season.

Also, 1985 was an incredible year for movies. Back To The Future, The Breakfast Club, The Color Purple, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, The Goonies, Brazil, Mask, Cocoon, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, Out Of Africa, Rocky IV, St. Elmo’s Fire, Brewster’s Millions, Real Genius, Clue, and Better Off Dead are just some of the great movies released that year. With a roster like that, it was hard for Spies Like Us to compete for theater audiences.

More Movie Quotes From Spies Like Us?

Did we forget one of your favorite movie quotes from Spies Like Us? If so, let us know in the comments! Like with most classics, the only way to ensure you’re not missing anything is to quote the entire script!

Interested in reading more funny movie quotes from the ’80s? Check out our article about the best quotes from Chevy Chase’s other 1985 comedy, Fletch. Or movie quotes from another classic John Landis movie, The Blues Brothers.