Like most people of Irish descent, I love funny Irish jokes. Drunks, Leprechauns, shamrocks, whatever, I can’t get enough. However, I have no doubt that many people will be offended by the Irish jokes on this page. To those people, I proudly say to you, “Piss off!” You’re bad news! Go read this list of kid-appropriate St. Patrick’s Day jokes and let the rest of us have our fun.
Here are the best Irish jokes and one liners that I know. They are guaranteed to bring a smile to your face and brighten your day. Enjoy!
- Q: Why did God invent whiskey?
- A: To prevent the Irish from ruling the world!
In Memory Of My Motherland
- Seamus was tending bar when a patron came in and ordered a beer and a shot. A little while later another came in and they struck up a conversation. “Let me buy you a drink in memory of my motherland, Ireland,” the first said. “Ireland?, I’m from Ireland too. I come from Dublin. Let’s drink to Dublin!” said the second. “Dublin? Why I grew up there. Went to St. Mary’s.” replied the first. “Me too,” said the second. “Seamus, another round!” ordered the first. And so it went. A short time later another patron came in and asked, “Hey Seamus, what’s going on in here today?” “Nothing much,” the barman replied, “The O’Reilly twins are drunk again.”
The Bus Driver On Saint Patrick’s Day
- I went out drinking on St Patricks Day, so I took a bus home… That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.
Why Wasn’t Jesus Born In Ireland?
- Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Ireland?
- A: He couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin.
- An Irishman named Mick O’Toole was staggering home with a pint of whiskey in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”
- An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the drunk driver, “where have ya been?” “Why I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening”. “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
Irish Weddings And Irish Funerals
- What’s the main difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
- 1 less drunk at the party
- Q: What’s long and green and has a low I.Q.?
- A: The St. Patrick’s Day Parade.
Eat Your Vegetables
- Drink green beer on St Patricks Day! It counts as a vegetable!
- Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
- A. A bachelor.
God vs Bono From U2
- What’s the difference between God and Bono from U2?
- God doesn’t wander around Dublin thinking he’s Bono.
- A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
- The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
- The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
- The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
- The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
Paddy and Seamus are sitting in a small-town Irish bar.
Paddy brags, “You know, I’ve had every woman in this town. Except me mammy, of course!”
“Well then,” says Seamus. “Between you and I, we’ve had ’em all!”
Origins of The Irish Jig
- Q. How did the Irish Jig get started?
- A. Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
Weapon Of Choice
- Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp. “What happened to you?” asks, the bartender. “Jamie O’Conner and I had a fight,” says Paddy. “That little shit, O’Conner,” says the bartender, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.” “That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.” “Well,” says the bartender, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?” “That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”
An Irishman’s Dying Wish
- Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy, and Shawn O’Brien grew up together and were best friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, “O’Brien, come ‘ere. I ‘ave a request for ye.” Shawn walked to his friend’s bedside and kneels.
- “Shawny ole boy, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m leaving ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request for ye to do.” O’Brien burst into tears, “Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It’s done.”
- “Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into my bones and I’ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.” O’Brien was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend’s request, he asked, “Aye, ’tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?”
Drowning In A Vat Of Beer
- Sean O’Grady came to tell Mrs. O’Flaherty about her husband’s untimely drowning in a vat of beer at the brewery.
- “Oh, the poor man” she sobbed, “Please, tell me, did he suffer much?”
- “I don’t think so mum; he came out three times to pee!”
- Q: Why did the barmaid champagne?
- A: Because of the stout porter bitter.
- Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.
- In a panic, he phones his friend Pat and asks: “Did you see the paper?! Terrible news. They say I died!”
- His friend Pat replies: “Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?”
- Q: What’s the difference between Ireland and a teabag?
- A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
- An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a policeman pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
- He says: “Have you been drinking?”
- “Just water,” says the priest.
- The cop replies: “Then why do I smell wine?”
- The priest looks at the bottle and says: “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
Irish Wedding Night
An Irishman takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled, and says,
“You know what I want, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” says Paddy. “The whole feckin’ bed by the looks of it!”
The Way To Cork
- Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
- Paddy says: “Are you on foot or in the car?”
- Billy replies: “In the car.”
- “Well that’s the quickest way,” says Paddy.
- If you thought Valentine’s Day was the only holiday with kissing, then you haven’t met an Irish Woman yet!
- The bartender at closing time: “Ladies and gents, have you no homes to go to?”
An Irish 69
Paddy and Mary decided to try a 69. Paddy had never done one, so Mary said she’ll show him what to do.
He lays down, and then she squats over him. As she lowers herself down, she farts. She apologies and tries again before farting a second time.
Paddy storms out and yells, “Well, I’ll be fu¢ked if I’m sticking around for 67 more of them.”
- You know you overdid it on St. Patrick’s Day when boiled cabbage smells better than you.
The Grass Tickles
- Why do Leprechauns giggle when they play football (soccer)?
- Cause the grass tickles their balls
Parkinsons Or Alzheimers
- Two old men were contemplating life when one man asked the other, “If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinsons or Alzheimers?”
- “Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied the man. “It’s better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson Irish Whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!”
It’s Been Awhile Since My Last Confession
- An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from Church.
- He pulls aside the curtain, walks inside and sits down.
- He’s surprised to find a fully equipped bar, Guinness on tap, and a box of fine cigars. And on the wall, there are several photos of women who have misplaced their garments.
- He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me. It’s been a while since I’ve been to confession. But I must say, the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
- The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”
What Percent Irish Are You?
- I might only be _____% Irish. But on St Patrick’s Day, I will be 100% drunk.
The Parking Prayer
- An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
- He starts to pray, “Lord, I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.”
- Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”
The Irish Swingers
Two Irish couples decide to swap partners for the night.
After three hours of unforgettable sex, Paddy says, “I wonder how the girls are getting on?”
Irish Jokes Aren’t For Everyone
Some people might find some of these hilarious Irish jokes offensive or in bad taste. To those people, I would like to say “piss off.” This is my heritage, I love all Irish people, and I love dirty Irish jokes. If you don’t appreciate Irish humor, then maybe you’ll appreciate some Irish music or these politically correct St. Patrick’s Day jokes. Let me enjoy my funny Irish jokes in peace.
I’m a freelance writer with ten years of experience writing articles and article reviews. My blog URL address is http://peoplepower.ning.com